


Losing Your Mind

by 96qutie



Category: Final Fantasy VII (Video Game 1997), Final Fantasy VII Remake (Video Game 2020)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - No Powers, M/M, Modern AU
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-03
Updated: 2020-10-02
Packaged: 2021-03-06 14:27:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 22,355
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26260378
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/96qutie/pseuds/96qutie
Summary: When Cloud Strife fell in action, everyone was just happy to hear he survived. For Cloud though, he wonders if there are worse things than being dead.Years of his life are gone. No memories. Nothing. Not to mention that his mind barely seems able to function normally ever since he woke up. He's not sure if he'll ever be normal again, or if he'll ever remember what he lost. He can only hope to have a new life worth remembering. Even if he may never be cleared for military duty again. Hopefully his friends can help him find new dreams to live for.
Relationships: Aerith Gainsborough/Tifa Lockhart, Zack Fair/Cloud Strife
Comments: 48
Kudos: 162





	1. Blank

**Author's Note:**

> My first Clack fic! Inspired by a lot of stuff. Let me know your thoughts. I hope you enjoy!

“Corporal Strife? Strife, are you listening to me?”

Cloud turned his head back to the woman with the clipboard and the small, frameless glasses. She was frowning at him.

“I’m sorry… what?” He blinked at her. The room around them felt oddly out of focus. 

She tilted her head at him. “Are your focus problems getting worse?”

“I wouldn’t say worse.” Said Cloud. “They’re… as bad as they started out being.” He picked at a thread from the hospital bedsheets. 

“I asked: do you remember your Squad Number?” 

Cloud frowned, “You keep asking me that. Is it because the answer I gave you last time was wrong?”

“Cloud, it’s not wrong.”

“It is wrong. I can tell from your face.”

“It’s older information than we have on file.” The woman corrected. “But that’s perfectly understandable. It may take time for your memory to--,”

“How much is gone?” Cloud demanded. “Just tell me. The information I keep giving you: addresses, names, numbers, how old it is? A few months?” The woman didn’t react. She had said her name at least once… Dr… something… Cloud didn’t remember. A cold feeling came over him. 

“What? Is it more like a few years?”

“Cloud… you need to give yourself patience right now. Panicking and forcing things is not going to help. You need to heal.”

“I’ve been in this hospital since I woke up.” Cloud grumbled, “And no one will tell me anything. Not what year it is, or what happened to me, or how old I am. Because why? I’ll freak out if I hear the real answer?”

“We don’t want to push you or rush new information. Your mind is still healing and the slower we go the better chance we have that the progress will stick.”

Cloud growled and pushed his face into his pillow. 

“Will you try with me one more time?”

Cloud raised his head slowly.

“I don’t remember being Corporal. I remember being a Private. I do not remember having squad members, or what their names were, or how long I knew them.”

“What is the last thing you remember?”

“I don’t know.” Cloud stared down and the unfamiliar callused shape of his own hands. “I remember joining the military. I remember arriving at basic training. I remember my bunk and my bunkmates. I remember drills. Nothing specific though. I’m not sure where the memories stop.”

“Okay.” The doctor wrote on her clipboard. “We would like to bring some people to see you, starting tomorrow.”

Cloud looked up in surprise.

“We want to see how you do with remembering people’s faces. We’re going to start out slow okay? I’ll be back tomorrow.”

Cloud nodded. “Okay.” 

He was glad to hear he would be having visitors. He was scared and lonely here. He was shocked they hadn’t even let his mom visit. Seriously, not even his mother? His memory wasn’t so damaged he wouldn’t remember her. They seriously needed to relax.

“Who’s coming?”

“It’s better if you don’t know until you see them. Their faces could trigger memories, and it’s better that we see how you respond without prepping you.” The doctor stood up. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Cloud.”

Cloud frowned but nodded. “See you tomorrow.”

___

The door to Cloud’s hospital room clicked when it opened and Cloud’s eyelids fluttered. How long had he been asleep?

“Cloud?” 

Cloud sat up, blinking. “I thought you were coming back tomorrow?” He said when the doctor walked in. Her lips twitched downward.

“That was yesterday, wasn’t it?” Cloud asked. He could not remember what he had been doing since then. Sleeping? Did he eat? He didn’t remember. 

“Cloud, take it easy.” She put her hand on his shoulder. “Your mind is still healing. The memories will start to stick with time. Please be patient.”

“I’m trying.” His eyes stung with unshed tears. “I’m trying.”

“I would love to bring someone in to see you, okay? Do you feel ready?”

Cloud looked down at himself; covered in badges, dressed in a hospital gown. He probably smelled. Had he been bathing lately? Probably, right? He didn’t remember. 

“Sure, I’m ready.”

The doctor nodded and stepped back toward the door. 

Cloud watched as she opened it and motioned for someone to come in. She stepped back and the door opened wider as someone stepped into the room, black hair flowing around her shoulders as she walked at a brisk pace. 

“Cloud? Cloud, oh my gods.” Tifa’s eyes fell on him and immediately filled with tears. “It’s so good to see you! I’ve been trying to come but they kept saying no visitors.” Tifa rushed to his bedside. “Are you okay? How have you been doing?” She sat down on the chair beside him and reached to hold his hand in both of hers. “I’ve missed you like crazy. I’ve been begging for them to let me visit.” 

Cloud blinked at her, a little surprised by the frenzy after so many weeks of forced calm around him at all times. 

“I’m okay.” He said softly, examing his friend’s face. Tears welled in his eyes. “You look… older.”

Tifa blinked in surprise and then turned back to the doctor. “You said his memory… what’s the last memory he has of me?”

“I’m right here.” Cloud snapped at her and she startled. 

“I know. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” She stroked his hand reassuringly. “What do you remember, Cloud? You remember me, right?”

He nodded slowly. 

“What’s the last time you remember talking to me?” She tilted her head and her hair spilled over her shoulder. 

“Umm…” He thought about it. “I was leaving for the military. We were saying goodbye.”

Tifa’s eyes widened and she cupped her hands over her mouth before she could say anything. She looked back at the doctor-- her eyes looked wet.

Cloud’s heart started to race. “Tifa? How long…”

“Shhh… It’s okay.” She gripped his hand tightly again, squeezing it. “It’s okay. I’m so glad you remember me.” She smiled at him and it was full of strength. “That was a little while ago Cloud, but it’s fine, okay? We’re still best friends. That’s all that matters.” 

Cloud looked from Tifa to the doctor and then back again.

“I didn’t… forget marrying you or something, right?”

Tifa blinked in surprise. “No! No, Cloud. Why?”

Cloud pointed with his other hand. “Ring.”

Tifa looked down at her hand, “Oh. No, Cloud, I’m engaged is all. It’s not to you. You didn’t forget.”

Cloud chest crumpled. “Engaged?” He felt like he couldn’t breathe.

Tifa’s eyes widened. “Oh, my gods.” She stood up and wrapped her arms around him tightly. “Cloud, honey, no. Please.” She squeezed him. “You and I tried. We both decided to be friends. I promise. It was super mutual. But we are still so close. I love you like family, I always will. Don’t even worry. I’m sure you’ll remember one day.”

Cloud hugged her back, feeling more and more like he was being eaten alive from the inside out. Maybe the doctor had been right to shield him from all of this up until now. 

“I love you too, Tifa.” He swallowed hard, tears slipping down his cheeks. 

“Hey, is my mom coming to visit today?” He asked a moment later when he felt like he could breathe. “I haven’t heard from her since I’ve been here.”

Tifa’s breathing hiccuped and she hugged him tighter, rocking him back and forth. 

“Maybe you should slow down a little. The doctor--,”

Suddenly it hit Cloud like a herd of behemoths. 

“She’s dead isn’t she.” His voice broke.

Tifa held very still for a long moment.

“Did you remember?”

Cloud lost the strength to even hold himself up. His entire body slumped into Tifa and he started to sob harder than he ever remembered sobbing in his whole life.

“I think maybe this is too much after all--,” The doctor started saying.

Cloud shot her a deadly look. 

“At least I know who Tifa is!” He snapped. “Stop keeping her away from me. Stop keeping all of this away from me! Do you really think this is better?” Cloud picked up a water glass and threw it into the wall, making Tifa startle and the doctor back away.

“I want my life back!” He shouted. “I want it back!”

“Cloud,--,” Tifa grabbed at his arms, and the machines around him all started to beep wildly. The doctor ran and pressed a button on the wall and soon there were nurses flooding in and holding him down before they started putting something in his IV bag. 

“What the fuck are you doing? Get off me!” Cloud shouted. Tifa had her hands around her mouth and was starting to cry. “Get off!”

Soon everything around Cloud started to go hazy and blurry and he felt like his head was floating off his shoulders until he could no longer keep fighting and his body slumped against the bed. 

Just before his eyes lost focus, a girl--wearing pink and with long brunette hair-- came running into the room and put her hand on Tifa’s shoulder, talking to her, and then pulling her into a hug. 

Cloud groaned and closed his eyes then, the world drifting away as he fell asleep. 

___

“Sergeant First, the Corporal is unstable. You cannot see him now, and you need to leave.”

“No.” Said a firm, low voice. Hard, and full of anger and authority. “For weeks I’ve been listening to you and staying away. Now I’m here, and look at him! Seeing this makes me think you don’t know the first thing about what’s best for Cloud. I’m not going anywhere.” 

“Sergeant First, we are doing everything we can. His condition is extremely delicate. Physically he did most of his healing when he was still comatose. Mentally, however, there is no way to know how long he will need to recover. If we do not use extreme caution, there is every chance we will only cause him more distress. I know you want to see him, but so far we would like to keep his contact with those he already remembers as being familiar, then we will work our way out from there. Even showing him familiar faces has been very difficult for him. Please do not make things any harder for him.” 

There was a long silence. 

“Do your job.” Said the firm voice gruffly “Help him. I’m coming back. Very soon. He better be in a much better state by then, or else I might get a second opinion on his condition.” 

There was the sound of heavy footfalls, and Cloud wanted to open his eyes but they wouldn’t budge. His head felt fuzzy, and before he knew it he was falling back to sleep. 

___


	2. Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cloud's recovery heads in a new direction and he has to confront his missing memories.

The next few weeks were hell for Cloud. More of the same questions. Tifa barely got to visit and when he asked her questions she was cagey at best. Never giving him straight answers.

“Tifa--,”

“Cloud, the doctor--,”

“I know!” He snapped. “But you’re my friend, and I’m asking you to help me.”

“I just… I don’t want to push things.” 

Cloud shoved his food away.

“Have you been eating?” 

“I’m going back to bed.” 

“Cloud… ? Cloud!”

The days dragged on. 

Then one day…

The door clinked open. 

Cloud was stretching. His body was covered in scars and often got stiff. He was sure he had been in worse shape before he woke up but now he mostly just felt tightness and aches. 

He didn’t look up when someone walked in. After all, it was almost always the doctor coming to ask him more questions. However, this time it was a male voice that came with the clearing of a throat. 

Cloud turned his head. 

A very tall man stood behind him. His shoulders were broad above a tapered waist and his long silver hair fell down his back in a loose ponytail. He smiled at Cloud from behind yet more frameless glasses. 

“Hello, Corporal.”

Cloud blinked twice. 

“Aren’t you… General Sephiroth?”

The general laughed. It was a smooth, low sound. “Actually yes, but not anymore.”

“Not anymore?” Cloud repeated. It seemed like only yesterday Cloud had been seeing this man around between deployments. “What do you mean?”

“Well,” The general pulled out a chair to sit on and crossed his legs. “I was in the military for some time. I actually met you there, once or twice. I guess you could call me a young prodigy, considering that I had a very well known career by the time I was in my twenties.”

“Then what happened?” Cloud wondered, slowly rising to his feet. He grabbed a chair and sat across from the General. He was so sick of his bed. 

“I got tired, Mr. Strife. Very very tired.” He smiled and it was charming. Like a male model. 

Cloud was well aware that this was not the first time he had thought such things about the General who he grew up idolizing in his teens.   
“So you got some sleep?”

“No, I retired.” The General sat back with a relaxed posture. “I couldn’t keep up with the action anymore. My mind couldn’t take it, and I felt I had given enough of myself. So I retired and learned a new profession. One that helped me give back to those who had been through a lot of the same things that I had. Helping others who were tired with getting back on their feet.” 

“What profession is that?” Cloud wondered with a tilt of his head. 

“I’m a psychologist Mr. Strife. Primarily for military and post-military clientele.” 

Cloud sighed heavily. 

“Can you at least call me Cloud?” He asked. “If you’re here for… that then trust me, we’re going to get really familiar with each other.”

The General chuckled. 

“I’m sure we will Cloud. So go ahead and call me Sephiroth.” He folded his hands together over his knee. “So tell me, how have you been doing since your accident?”

“I don’t remember it.” Cloud told him honestly. “I don’t remember much of anything, apparently. Considering I still remember you as a general, I don’t think I remember whole years of my life.”

“I had heard that.” Sephiroth admitted. “Do you know where the gaps in your memory start?”

“Hardly. I’m not being told anything, or allowed to see anyone, so I’m not entirely sure what’s supposed to be missing.” Cloud sighed, running a hand through his hair. It was greasy. When had he showered last? 

“I see. So do you think that you would benefit from seeing people more?”

“I think anything would be better than another week of these four walls.” Cloud told him. “Everything blurs together here. The minutes, hours, days. I don’t know how long I’ve been here. I can’t tell the days apart. I feel like I’m in prison.” 

Seph tilted his head. “Prison would be much worse, but I see your point.” He sat forward, straightening his back. “Very well then. I agree with you.”

Cloud stared at him. 

“What? Agree how?” His brows furrowed. 

“I agree that you should leave. I’ll speak to the hospital immediately. I’ll see that you’re released into a friend’s custody at the first opportunity. Since it’s much too soon for you to live alone in your condition.” 

Cloud frowned. “Don’t fuck with me. What about my doctor?”

“She’s still consulting on your case, but I’m your primary specialist starting today. Your friends in the military requested it, since I’m much more specialized in the care of those who have been in action than your former doctor was. Not to mention, there are some who are very concerned with the more recent turns in your recovery.”

“Who would that be?” Cloud asked. “Or would I not remember them?”

“I don’t think you would remember,” Sephiroth said honestly, “But we’ll work on that, I promise. In spite of your lapses in memory, I have the strong belief that resuming some sort of routine is the best way to strengthen your mind to start forming memories again. At the very least, it will make it much clearer what steps need to be taken to reintegrate you functionally into society. Provided you feel comfortable with that.” He folded his hands under his chin and caused his hair to fall forward around his face like silver curtains. 

“Comfortable with leaving?” Cloud asked, glancing around his room. A smile tugged at his lips as he looked back at the (former) general. “Oh I am entirely comfortable with that.”

___

“Okay,” Tifa said as she opened the door with one arm and hauled Cloud’s suitcase inside with the other. “Welcome home, Cloud!” 

Cloud’s smile was crooked and a little wary. “Tifa, are you sure about this? You have a life… a fiance. I don’t want to put you out.” 

Cloud was finally wearing normal clothes for the first time since he had woken up from his coma-- blue jeans and a navy t-shirt-- and to him it felt like being human for the first time too. He actually remembered his shower this morning and he even sort of recognized some of the stuff in his suitcase when he packed up his hospital room. Things seemed to finally be looking up, but that didn’t mean Tifa deserved to have a new burden.

“Oh shut it,” Tifa snorted, hefting his suitcase upstairs like it weighed twenty pounds lighter than it did. “Of course you’re coming here. You shouldn’t be alone right now, and you and I are family. Whether you remember it that way or not.”

Cloud snorted. He liked this about Tifa. She wasn’t going to let things be weird. 

“So does that mean I get to meet your fiance?” He asked, looking around. The first floor of Tifa’s place was a bar that she owned which meant the apartment portion was actually upstairs. She had told him this-- because he didn’t remember it-- but he still half expected some one who matched the words ‘Tifa’s fiance’ to be hanging around in plain view. 

“Of course you can.” Tifa called from upstairs so Cloud took the hint to follow her up there. He tread sluggishly up the steps and they creaked with age underneath him. 

Cloud appeared into the doorway of the room Tifa was in. She was busy shoving his suitcase in the closet, so it was probably his new room. It was small and plain and had a single bed, a dresser, and a closet. It wasn’t exactly homey but Cloud didn’t mind. Anything was better than the hospital for one more day, and at least here he would have normal people to talk to. 

“Unfortunately,” Tifa said as she turned away from the closet and bent down to smooth the blue sheets she had put on the bed. They looked soft, and were Cloud’s favorite color. He was oddly touched. Tifa had known that without having to be told. “Aerith is working right now. She owns a greenhouse a few blocks away, but she’ll be home for dinner and she’s really looking forward to seeing you again.” 

Cloud paused. He had gathered two things for that sentence. The first was that Tifa’s fiance was female, and the second was that he had apparently already met her before. So he guessed this was just another couple of things he had yet to remember. 

“Right, of course. So I guess you really were telling the truth about the two of us not working out.” Cloud meant it as a joke but Tifa looked up at him with worry in her eyes. 

“I loved you Cloud.” She promised him, “and you loved me. We just ended up growing into better friends than we did partners. It wasn’t because I’m bisexual-- which, not to drop a bomb on you, but so are you.” Cloud smirked at this because he actually did remember that. “We just wanted different things. Both of us. Besides, once you get used to Aerith I know you’ll remember how much you love her. The two of you were very close before your accident. I swear you almost liked her more than me. So please don’t be uncomfortable with this. You’re safe here. You're with family.”

Cloud smiled and pulled Tifa into a hug. “I believe you, and I’m really happy for you. I can’t wait to get back to my life. Even if it will feel a little new at first. You don’t have to worry about me.” 

“Oh yes I do.” She grumbled. “I always do. You’re the most accident prone person I’ve ever met in my life. Why do you think we’re in this mess?”

“Ouch, Tifa.” Cloud laughed playfully and Tifa shoved him in the shoulder. 

“I know you might not want to hear this,” Tifa said gently, “But I‘m relieved your home. I couldn’t take the worry I always felt when you were out on deployment. You were always so reckless, Cloud. Thank the gods that you’re alive now, even if it was close. It could have been much worse.” She cupped his face in her hands. “Please, please take care of yourself. For me? You’ve put us all through enough worry to last a lifetime.” 

Cloud’s smile was a bit stiff. “I’m fine Tifa. No more worrying.” He told her softly, patting her hands with his own. “I’m going to unpack my stuff, okay? I want to be settled before I get too tired.” 

“Okay,” She agreed and dropped her hands. “Just make sure you call Sephiroth in the morning okay? You need to schedule your next visit with him.” 

“I will.” Cloud sighed, settling on the bed as Tifa left the room, and he meant it. He was really hoping Sephiroth would be able to help him. He had a lot he wanted to remember.

___

“This is not a party!” Tifa huffed, putting a hand to her forehead to rub away the tension. “What the hell are you all doing here?” 

“We miss Cloud!” Jessie announced, clapping her hands together. “And he’s finally home!”

“No.” Tifa said firmly. “He is still very, very delicut right now. He already has to get used to everything being different around here, and a place he doesn’t know. He has to re-meet Aerith and confront who knows how many other memory gaps. He is not ready for the welcome parade of every person he’s ever met that he doesn’t remember anymore!”

“How do you know who he remembers until you try?” Yuffie pointed out and Tifa frowned.

“Look, guys, this is just too much. Okay? Please? It’s hard enough already. At least give him a few days to process everything first. He hasn’t even started his regular psych treatment yet. This is all way too soon.”

“Tifa,” Barret said rumbling forward. “He has to try to come back to his life at some point.”

Tifa pressed her lips together and shook her head.

“You don’t know what it’s been like okay? Just trust me.” She started waving everyone out. “Just give it a little bit more time. He’s not ready.”

There were grumbles of complaints as everyone strode off into the night but as Tifa stood on the bar porch, watching everyone go, she noticed one figure in the evening shadows who wasn’t heading the other way.

Tifa sighed and leaned against the door frame. “Hey.”

“Am I in a special category? Or do I get the same treatment?” A friendly voice asked as he rose up the steps to face her. The bar light fell over a handsome, chiseled face and vibrant blue eyes. 

“I’m not going to keep you away from him, Zack.” Tifa said gently. “Not when you were the one who found Sephiroth and started paying for his treatment. I just… I want to prepare you, okay? He’s really not remembering things yet. I know that’s hard, but it’s still early. We need to give him a chance.” 

Zack was quiet for a long moment. 

“Then just don’t tell him who I am.” 

Tifa’s eyes widened, “What? Zack--,” 

“I just want to see him.” Zack’s voice was full of pain and need and desperation. “Please? It’s been over a year since I’ve even seen him with his eyes open. I can’t… I can’t keep going home and acting like nothing is wrong. I just need to see him.”

Tifa softened, her teeth worrying her lip. “But not telling him? That just seems…”

“We don’t have to lie to him.” Zack insisted. “Say I’m from the military. Or Aerith’s friend. Something true. Cloud will remember me eventually. I know he will. Just give me a chance to help him remember. I promise I won’t say anything, or push him at all. Just let me be here. I’ll act totally normal.” 

Tifa took a deep breath and then gave him a wry smile. “Since when were you ever normal, Zack Fair?”

Zack gave a full belly laugh. “Come on! Give me a little credit!” He teased, wrapping his arm around Tifa’s shoulders. “Now tell me how I can help with dinner.”

___

Cloud yawned and stretched as he came downstairs. He had fallen asleep after unpacking his bag, and now grogginess was hanging over him like a fog, but he tried to shake it off. 

Mentally he thought back over the day, trying to make sure he didn’t have any memory gaps that he could see, but so far he seemed to be doing pretty good. He’d had a mild headache earlier but nothing too bad. He was sure everything was fine. 

Cloud wandered into the bar area, mostly because he could hear voices coming from down there, and also because the sound was followed by the rich scent of something cooking. He had only just entered the main room full of tables when three people came stumbling out of the kitchen, all of them laughing. 

For some reason the sight made Cloud’s chest ache.

“Cloud!” Tifa saw him first, her back going straight like she had been caught doing something bad. “You’re awake! Just in time.” 

The other two people beside her turned their heads and their eyes both widened in surprise. The first one that Cloud noticed was a tall man with thick black hair that stuck out a little wildly in the back-- not that Cloud had room to talk. His eyes were a striking violet-blue that seemed to intensify when the man’s gaze landed on him. Cloud stared back at him with blinking eyes.

“Cloud!” 

Cloud was snapped back to reality by the second person who was standing beside Tifa. A much smaller, female person who had brunette hair that was twisted back into a long braid, and bright green eyes. 

The woman smiled at Cloud and hurried across the room to wrap her arms around him in a friendly hug. 

“It is so good to see you again.” She told him softly in his ear. “I’m so glad you’re alright.”

Cloud’s arms raised slowly to return the hug, his shoulders feeling stiff. 

“You must be the fiance I’ve heard so much about.” He said carefully, patting the girl’s back with gentle hands. “Aerith… right? Tifa has been telling me all about you. It’s really nice to meet you. Or umm… see you, I guess. See you again. After all this… time.”

Aerith giggled and it was high and pleasant like a bell. She pulled back to look at him with a friendly tilt of her head while she rubbed his shoulders affectionately. 

“I know you don’t remember me Cloud, it’s alright. I just refuse to treat you like a stranger. You’ll always be my friend. Even if you can’t remember why. You’ve earned it.”

Cloud softened a little at that. It was a painfully thoughtful thing to say, even if it felt strange from someone he had no memory of. It was kind of her to treat him so warmly. 

“Thank you. I’ll umm… try to do the same.”

The girl smiled and patted him on the cheek. “Don’t worry Cloud. You’ve always been a bit stand-offish. Even when you did know me. I’ll probably hardly notice a difference.”

Cloud frowned at that. Maybe he didn’t believe they were friends after all. 

“There’s someone here I want you to meet.” Aerith said, talking him by the hand. “He’s been away on deployment-- he’s a military man too-- but he’s here visiting so I invited him to dinner.”   
Aerith pulled Cloud over to stand in front of the other unfamiliar guest of the evening. Cloud looked up at the man curiously before offering an uncomfortable wave. 

“Hi,” Cloud said to the taller man, shuffling his feet nervously. “It’s nice to meet you. I’m Cloud, by the way. I’m sure these two mentioned their new charity case.”

Tifa smacked him in the arm.

The man laughed but it was a little forced, “They called you no such thing. I was told you were a very good friend of theirs.” He stuck out a hand to Cloud. “I’m Zack. Zack Fair.”

Cloud found that his smile came surprisingly easily as he shook the man’s hand, “I’ll try to remember that,” he said in a slightly distasteful attempt at a joke. Strangely though, the man gave an almost startled laugh. 

“Please do.” He replied, looking a little stiff again. “Please do.” 

___


	3. Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cloud has a lot of questions and not a lot of answers.

Dinner was uncomfortable. 

Cloud tried not to make it that way, but it was. Every few minutes something would happen. A comment, a name, something that went over Cloud’s head. Then his expression would tighten, and the whole table would go quiet. It was painful. 

It wasn’t their fault. They didn’t know what he remembered and it was impossible to predict what would come up in casual conversation. So Cloud was left feeling like the culprit for all of the awkwardness, and he tried to control his reaction as a result. Still the others seemed to notice. 

“Was it good seeing Sephiroth again?” Tifa asked, and Cloud stared at her blankly.

“I’ve only met with him once so far…”

The table shuffled uncomfortably.   
“Right! Of course.”

Cloud tightened his grip on his fork.

“He mentioned that we had met before, but…”

The girls exchanged a glance.   
  
“I’m sure it’ll all come back to you.” Aerith said, patting his hand.

Cloud ground his teeth together. 

“Who wants seconds?” Zack interrupted, scooping up salad and dumping it on Aerith’s plate. “The food is delicious ladies. Thanks for having me over.”

The girls smiled easily at him, grateful. Cloud felt his throat get tight. He felt like he was getting babied again. 

“I’ll do the dishes,” Cloud said as soon as it seemed like dinner was wrapping up. Tifa hesitated.

“No, Cloud--,” 

“I can wash dishes,” Cloud said tensely and suddenly Zack was on his feet too. 

“Let me help,” He said cheerfully while scooping up plates. “I was no help with cooking, so it’s the least I could do. Go relax, ladies. Let us pamper you properly.”

Tifa chewed her lip and Aerith gave Zack a gentle smile. 

“All right,” said the flower girl with a nod at Zack. “You two have fun. I’ll help my fiance relax in the living room.” She winked at Tifa and pulled the raven up to prance away with her up the stairs. Tifa looked backward twice. 

Cloud gave Zack a questioning look. “You didn’t have to sign yourself up for this. I can handle it.”

“And I can help.” Zack insisted. “It’s no big deal, right?”

Cloud sighed and nodded. “Sure.” 

The two of them carried the dishes into the kitchen and piled them in the sudsy sink. Cloud paused and glanced around.

Zack watched him for a moment before ducking under the sink to produce a scrub brush. “You can use your hands if you want but I prefer this.” He said, twirling it between his fingers as he held it out to Cloud. “I hate touching wet food.”

“Oh,” Cloud took it gratefully. “Me too. I hate the slimy feeling. Makes me never want to eat again.”

Zack smiled, seeming oddly pleased with himself. “I don’t think you have enough meat on your bones to be skipping meals.”

“I’ve heard that before.” Cloud sighed. “All the time in basic training.”

“I’m sure…” Zack said, watching as Cloud started scrubbing out a pot. “But I would bet you could put on some muscle if you tried.”

“Hmm… I guess I don’t really know.” Cloud admitted. “My body isn’t exactly how I remember it.”

Zack’s expression softened, “Tifa mentioned as much.”

“Great.” Cloud scoffed, shaking his head.

Zack back-peddled, “No, not like--,”

“Shut up, I already know.” Cloud interrupted. “She doesn’t mean anything by it. She’s just trying to help. I know. I’m not going to throw a fit.” He shoved a scrubbed but soaking-wet pot at Zack, splashing him a little. 

“It's just irritating. It’s hard enough around someone like you, who just sees me as some weird guy with a head injury.” Zack seemed to bristle at that description but Cloud continued on before he could say anything. “But it’s worse with Tifa, and probably with Aerith now that she’s here. It’s like… I’m pretending to be someone else.” 

Cloud looked down at the soapy water where his own reflection was warped over the larger bubbles. He looked older than he remembered himself being. He wondered how old he actually was. 

“You’re not pretending,” Zack said softly. “You don’t have to be anyone else. Tifa and Aerith love you.”

“Me?” Cloud asked. “Or who I used to be?”

“You. Come on, you’re being too hard on yourself.”

Cloud breathed out heavily. “I’m good at that.”

“I know.” Zack smiled like it was a joke and then coughed, “Or I mean, I’ve heard.”

Cloud glanced at him curiously. 

“Oh, so they talk about me?”

“All the time.” Zack shrugged. 

“Right.” Cloud sighed.

“You don’t have to compete with anyone,” Zack told him, taking the serving dish Cloud had just cleaned and starting to dry it. “Not even yourself.”

“Yeah well…” Cloud picked up the next dish. “It’s easier around someone like you. You don’t have anything to compare me to.”

Zack paused in his drying before slowly placing the dish back in the cupboard. “I wouldn’t… say that. I mean, it wouldn’t matter if I did.”

Cloud huffed and blew a piece of hair away from his eyes. “Maybe not, but it feels easier.”

Zack hummed, his expression strangely concentrated as he took the next dish from Cloud. He dried it and then stacked it in silence. 

“Well…” He said when Cloud handed him the next one. “Why not talk to me? I don’t mind.” 

Cloud snorted and shook his head. “Didn’t Aerith say you were just visiting? Unless you want to be pen pals…”

“I have a bunch of leave saved up. I’ll be around for a little while.”

Cloud pressed his lips together in thought. “I should call my psychologist in the morning. It’s what he’s for.”

“Ah, right. I’m sure.” Zack nodded like a bobblehead. “But if you need someone else… it’s not a big deal.” He cleared his throat. “So how is it going with him? Is he helping you feel better?”

“It’s a little early for that,” Cloud admitted, passing Zack another dish. “But at least I’m out of that hospital.” 

Zack turned his head to smile at him. “Must have been hard. I’m glad he let you out.”

“Me too.” Cloud smiled a little in return. “Hey, thanks for helping. Sorry for dumping all this on you. You’re weirdly easy to talk to.”

“You too.” Zack’s smile melted open to show his teeth and crinkle his eyes. “People say I have the gift of gab.”

“Oh yeah?” Cloud laughed, “I can’t say the same, but I’m an okay listener.” 

“I’ll have to test that out sometime.” Zack grinned and dipped his fingers in the sink so he could flick Cloud with water. “Can’t say I’m entirely convinced yet.” 

Cloud flinched, “Ew! Gross,” He laughed and lifted the edge of his shirt to try and scrub the  
water off. “That stuff is slimy! What’s the matter with you?”

“Just trying to get you out of your clothes,” Zack winked. “I’ve got a thing for blondes.” 

Cloud felt his cheeks go red but he responded with a deadpan expression, “Oh really?”

He reached back into the sink to grab a bowl full of water.

“N-no no no no… wait, Cloud, no, hold on.” Zack held up his hands in surrender before Cloud flung the whole bowl of water at his face.

“Still have a thing for blondes?” Cloud asked with a smirk and Zack gave him a dark look.

“Oh, you asked for it, Strife. You’ve awakened the tiger.”

Cloud sputtered and started laughing at Zack’s expression and soaking wet hair. He was pretty sure there was a piece of tomato stuck in it. 

“The tiger?” Cloud asked around bursts of laughter, “You look more like a soggy hedgehog to me.” 

“Oh really?” Zack flashed a mischievous grin, “This is coming from you, spike-- spiky-head?” Zack seemed to stumble over his words and Cloud raised an eyebrow. 

“Hmm… you can’t even insult someone in a threatening way. You sure you’re a soldier?” Cloud teased with a grin.

Zack rolled his eyes.

“Oh, I’m a soldier. I just don’t like picking on little kids with brain damage.” Zack said before bringing a fist down on the handle of a pot to fling it-- and the water inside-- into Cloud, soaking the entire front of his shirt as he hid his face behind his arms.

“Okay…” Cloud simmered, his voice taking on an edge. “Now you’re dead.”

Zack blinked innocently.

“Oh shit.” He said, before taking off running. Cloud filled a pot with water before running after him. 

Later that night Cloud and Zack stayed up until two in the morning cleaning the apartment and drying up pools of water. Tifa officially outlawed them from ever doing the dishes together again.   
___  


  
“So, how has it been being out in the world again?” Sephiroth asked, as he settled into his chair. Cloud sat on a couch across from him, hands twisted together in his lap. 

“It’s been better. I feel more like a person.” He bounced his leg a little. “I just hate not remembering anything. I feel like I’m missing so much.”

Sephiroth nodded slowly, “Understandable. So then, are you ready to try and get your memories back?”  
  
Cloud’s eyes flashed up to Sephiroth’s “What? I thought--,”

“I can’t promise anything.” He held up a hand to slow Cloud down. “There is no telling what memories-- if any-- are still accessible. Not to mention there are still going to be serious drawbacks to the brain damage that you have suffered. However, we can try to help stimulate your mind and see if we can bring some things back to you. I will warn you, however, that this treatment will require some medication and there is a chance it will have some side effects.”

Cloud nodded slowly, “Is it dangerous? Could I lose more time? Or end up back in the hospital?”

Sephiroth shook his head. “I’m not going to try any treatment where the risk factors could set you back that drastically. At worst you could be looking at serious headaches, trouble focusing, and frankly all of the other things that you are already at risk for due to your brain damage. This will likely make those risks slightly worse, but I will try to take things slowly and responsibly to minimize these problems.” 

Cloud nodded. “I want to try it then. I really want to remember.”

“Alright then.” Sephiroth stood up. “I will write you a prescription for the medications that I recommend. However, I think today we should start with something a little safer than that.” 

The doctor dimmed the lights in the room and closed the blinds on the windows to make it dark. Then he moved a machine in front of Cloud. 

“I’m going to have you follow the light with your eyes, okay?” Sephiroth said and then leaned closer to attach small sensors to each of Cloud’s temples. 

When the machine was turned on, a bright light moved in front of Cloud’s eyes, back and forth to either side. Cloud could feel the sensors pulsing softly against his skin in time with the light’s movements. 

“Okay, Cloud. Focus on the light and keep your breathing steady. I’m going to ask you a few questions. You can answer whenever you are ready.”

Cloud nodded his head. 

“What is the last thing you remember from before your coma?” 

Cloud took in a shaky breath and tried to remember. His eyes kept following the light.

“I don’t know.”

“What is the first memory you have from your life? The earliest one.”

Cloud thought about it. 

“Umm… I don’t know. I guess… being in my hometown with my mom.”

“What are you and your mother doing?”

“She… was cooking. She was showing me how to cook.”

“Very good. Now focus on your breathing. Breath slowly, in and out.” Sephiroth demonstrated loudly so that Cloud could hear him. The boy followed his rhythm, breathing in and out deeply. His shoulders relaxed. 

“What are some names of your friends? First name or nicknames will do.”

“Ummm…” Cloud thought. “Tifa… I guess. I don’t really have many friends.”

“Okay. Do you remember the names of anyone you were in the military with?”

“I… don’t know.” Cloud thought about it. Something made his brain itch. Like he should remember. Like he almost did. “I can’t think of any…”

“Okay. What weapon did you use when you were in the military, Cloud?”

“I used…” He thought for another moment. “A rifle.”

“What did your uniform look like?”

“It… was blue.”

“What did it feel like?”

“Umm… Warm I guess. The pants were baggy. The neck was high. Some people didn’t like it but I didn’t mind.”

“Who didn’t like it?”

“I don’t know… the other soldiers.”

“When did they tell you they didn’t like it?”

“We would go drinking sometimes… or just when we were getting ready in the barracks.”

“Where was your bed when you were getting ready?” 

“I was bottom bunk, near the door.”

“What was the number of your barrack?”

“It was… I don’t remember.” Cloud winced. His head hurt. 

“Are you feeling pain, Cloud?”

“I’m fine.”

“Where does it hurt?” 

“I said I’m fine.”

“Are you sure? You don’t want to push yourself too hard. Progress comes with patience.”

Cloud growled and ran a hand through his hair. “I’m fine.”

“Why does it make you upset when I ask you to slow down?”

“Because I know what I can handle.” Cloud snapped. “I’m not a baby.”

“Why are you worried about people seeing you as a baby? Did someone call you that?”

“People used to tease me. They would say I was too young to be in the military. That I looked like a little kid.”

“I know you’re not a little kid, Cloud. How did you find so much success in the military if no one believed you were cut out for it?”

“I worked hard. I trained a lot. Besides, not everyone was like that.”

“Some people did believe in you?”

“Yeah they did.”

“Like who?”

Cloud paused. He felt like it was on the tip of his tongue, a name, a face, something. He could almost remember.

“I don’t know.” Cloud felt a wave of dizziness come over him, the light whirling past him started to blur. “I don’t feel so good.”

The machine clicked off. “Lay back for a while Cloud. That’s enough for today.”

Cloud sighed and shifted to lay down on the couch, closing his eyes while he waited for the dizziness to pass. He thought he might have been onto something just then. Something he couldn’t quite remember. 

“I’ll write you a prescription and I’ll call it in today. You should be able to pick it up in the morning. Make sure you follow the instructions. If you change the dosage it could set back your progress. A steady intake is the best way for your body to process the effects.” 

Sephiroth scribbled something on a pad and then ripped out the page. 

“Don’t worry Cloud. I know it’s hard, and I know you want things to get better, but some things just have to happen in their own time.”

Cloud nodded his head. He understood he would have to wait. The only thing worse than not remembering would be getting set back even more than he already was. He would just have to wait. 

“I’m not going to be able to work in the military like this.” Cloud pointed out. “I can’t just mooch off Tifa forever. Not to mention, I don’t even know how I’m covering your bills.”

“Your military insurance.” Sephiroth said smoothly. “They can handle your medical expenses. For everything else… Maybe you should try a safer job. Just temporarily. You need to live with someone until we’re sure you're stable, but if you want to pay for things yourself then just find something that won’t be too strenuous. Maybe keep it to part time for now. Exhaustion and stress could aggravate your condition.” 

Cloud closed his eyes tighter. “I feel like I’m back to being a child.”

“You’re not, Cloud. You’re doing just fine. You’re just trying to get better.”

“Will anyone ever tell me what happened to me?” Cloud asked softly. “What accident started all of this?”

Sephiroth sat down across from him again. 

“I think it’s better to start with positive memories. Trauma can be very hard on the mind, and if we bring back those memories too soon, we could halt your progress. Just let your mind protect itself on this one. Until you’re ready.”

Cloud threw his arm over his eyes before he could start to cry.

“Fine. I’ll give it some time.”


	4. Lost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cloud has to start moving forward.

_ “You’re such a baby!” Cloud laughed, his whole body shaking with humor. “You can’t even handle a little snow!” _

_ “Not all of us grew up in the icy tundra! Shut up!”  _

_ Cloud kept laughing and took off his scarf before using it to catch them, holding the other person close. “Come here. I’ll keep you warm.” _

_ “You’re the worst.” The other person said, but there was no bite and Cloud smiled. _

_ “I’ll let you keep the scarf…” Cloud teased, lidding his eyes. “If…” _

_ “If?”  _

_ Cloud moved closer, and he remembered how he felt. He remembered wanting to be kissed, and how good it felt when he was. He remembered feeling safe… and happy.  _

_ Cloud couldn’t imagine feeling like that now.  _

_ Cloud tried to focus on the face of the person who was with him, or their voice… but he couldn’t. It just wasn’t clear. Everything felt fuzzy… his head hurt… _

“Cloud? Are you okay?”

Cloud blinked and turned.

Tifa was there, standing in the doorway of the walk-in fridge staring at him. Cloud looked back at her, blankly.

“Tifa?”

Tifa stepped closer and took him by the hand-- wrapping her own fingers tighter around his when she felt how cold they were-- pulling him from the fridge and out into the warmth of the bar’s kitchen.

“Cloud, how long were you in there? Your lips are so pale.” 

Cloud frowned. He didn’t remember going in there. He didn’t remember what day it was. He didn’t remember waking up that morning. 

“I don’t know.” 

Tifa chewed on her lip. “I think maybe you should take the rest of the night off.”

The night off? Cloud was confused for a moment, until he heard the clinking of glasses somewhere in the distance. 

Oh… now he remembered. He had started working for Tifa at the bar in exchange for her letting him live with her. She even let him keep most of his tips, but Cloud was still hating it. He wasn’t well equipped for a job that surrounded him with so many people. Especially drunk people. 

“Maybe I should.” Cloud agreed once he felt his mind start to solidify in the room around him. “I’m not feeling very good.” 

Tifa smiled encouragingly and tried to rub some warmth back into his shoulders. “Why don’t you go lie down for now? I’ll bring you some food as soon as I can.”

Cloud hated feeling like a child, but he wasn’t going back out to face the drunk crowds either. So he took Tifa’s advice and headed up to his room. 

An alarm started going off, and he realized it was his phone. A new one that Tifa had gotten him-- since only the gods knew what happened to whatever phone he had before his accident. That was another reason Cloud took the job. He had a lot he needed to pay Tifa back for. 

Cloud pulled out the phone which flashed a reminder for him to take his medication. He sighed and pulled the prescription bottle out of his drawer, swallowing the pills dry. No way was he heading back downstairs tonight, even for water. 

Cloud sat down on his bed. He wasn’t sure what had triggered the memory that he had back in the fridge, but now he couldn’t get it out of his mind.

Who had he been talking to? Where were they now? Did they know what had happened to him? He wished he knew. He wished he could ask someone, but he didn’t know if they would tell him. He was getting tired of that. Part of him just wanted to know everything, whether it was his memories or not. He just wanted to know. 

Deep down, though, he couldn’t bring himself to push it. It would be strange to feel responsible for actions he no longer had any connection to. It would be hard to hear about himself like he was a third party viewer. He just wished he could remember. He wished he knew that it would all come back to him someday. 

Cloud flopped onto his pillow and rubbed at his temples with a sigh. He still had a headache. 

_ “I think I like you better than the scarf.” Cloud remembered the other person saying against his lips and Cloud had laughed again.  _

_ “I like you too,” Cloud had teased, sliding their noses together. "Big snow baby." _

___

Cloud didn’t tell anyone about the small snippets of memory that had started to come back. For some reason it all just felt too personal, and he didn’t know where to start. Besides he had yet to remember anything concrete. No faces, no names, no big events. For some reason his mind tended to focus on conversations. 

Over the next few days, Cloud made an effort to be in the moment at work but it was harder than he expected it to be. Tifa had to make him flashcards for how to make all the different drinks-- since the recipes just wouldn’t stay in his head. Not to mention he had to write down every order in detail so he wouldn’t forget it in the time it took him to walk back to the kitchen.

But it was working. He hated to admit it, but he was glad for Tifa. She cut him some slack. Having to explain his spacey-ness to someone else would have been mortifying, so Tifa pretending not to notice was a gift. It just didn’t stop Cloud from hating himself for it. 

His medication was supposed to take two weeks to kick in, which was normal but not easy to deal with. He hated feeling like he couldn’t trust himself, but he didn’t. He couldn’t be sure he wouldn’t lose himself at any moment. 

There were few bright sides to being an invalid bartender, aside from Tifa herself, but Cloud managed to find a few. The first being Aerith: who after the first few days of just being TOO MUCH for Cloud to take in, was actually talented at making him smile and feel more relaxed. She had the gift of good humor and just the right brand of mischief to make living with her feel more comfortable than Cloud was expecting. He was grateful for that. As hard as it was for him to see Tifa move on with someone else, it was easier to accept it with Aerith. 

The second bright spot was… 

“Hey hot bartender.” 

Cloud looked up as he swung out of the kitchen to see Zack standing by the bar, a bright smile on his face like he was way too proud of himself. 

Cloud felt his lips pull up crookedly even as he gave Zack a disapproving snort. 

“You do realize Tifa takes great offense to me being THE hot bartender, right?” Cloud said airily as the broad-shouldered raven sat down in front of him. Zack just laughed.

“Something tells me she doesn’t expect that kind of attention from me.”

“Oh?” Cloud asked, tilting his head. “Because you prefer guys?”

Zack hummed noncommittally. “Not really. All people are beautiful. Right now you’re just my favorite.”

Cloud felt his ears get hot as he blushed.

“I think you have a drinking problem.” Cloud pointed out. “You’re here way too often.”

“I’m on vacation!” Zack argued. “Besides, sometimes I just order food.”

Cloud chuckled. “I know you’re here for the company.”

Zack’s eyes widened a little, “You do?”

Cloud raised his eyebrow at the clueless reaction. “Well yeah… you’re friends with Tifa and Aerith right? Not to mention those regulars that have been coming in all the time.”

Zack blinked in surprise. “Right… I mean yeah.” 

Cloud gave him a questioningly look.

“Are those regulars in the military with you?” Cloud asked as he started wiping down glasses. He had clocked them as probably being military the first time he saw them, but there was something a little strange. Most of them had injuries that seemed pretty bad, and somewhat recent. He wondered how so many military types could get hurt like that. One of them even had a prosthetic arm.

Zack rubbed the back of his neck. “They used to be… they’ve been discharged. I think they’re trying to move on, but it’s nice to see them while I’m here.”

“What happened?” Cloud asked, brow furrowing. “Some kind of…” he paused.

An accident… like him? The hairs on his neck went up. 

That would be a weird coincidence… unless it wasn’t one.

Cloud set down the glass he was cleaning.

“They were in the same accident as me, weren’t they?”

Zack looked up in surprise. “You remember?”

Cloud threw the rag he was using at Zack’s face. “No! I’m just not an idiot.”

Zack caught the rag and set it down on the counter. “Oh…”

“So you know about it then?” Cloud demanded. “Whatever happened to me?”

Zack looked away, sighing heavily. “I know about it.”

Cloud gripped the bar counter until his knuckles turned white. 

“I’ll tell you if you want to--,” Zack started to say but Cloud grabbed the rag and threw it at him again. Zack let it hit his face and fall into his lap. 

“I’ll remember on my own.” Cloud insisted, determined, as if he could control it. “I don’t need someone else’s narration of my life.”

Zack looked like a kicked dog. “I wasn’t trying to lie.”

“You didn’t.” Cloud sighed heavily. “I’m just sick of this.” 

Cloud started stacking glasses and putting them away. Rough clanking gave away his mood. 

“So what can I get you anyway?”

Zack looked up in confusion. “What?”

“Your order.” Cloud prompted. “What do you want?”

Zack rolled his shoulders tiredly. “Whiskey.” 

Cloud poured it and slid it to him. Silence hung heavy between them as Zack tasted it. 

“I’m not mad at you.” Cloud told him finally, rolling his eyes at Zack’s scolded expression. “If I don’t ask you something then I don’t expect you to just tell me.” 

Zack raised his violet-blue eyes to look at him, watching him warily. 

“And if you do ask?” 

“Then don’t lie.” Cloud shrugged, picking up a new rag out of the cupboard. 

Zack nodded, “That seems fair.”

Cloud went back to wiping down glasses. His mind felt fuzzy again. It hurt a little.

Zack drummed his fingers against the bar, his rhythm anxious and off beat. “So are you going to talk to them next time they're here?” 

Cloud paused in his cleaning. 

“I don’t know.” He admitted. “Sometimes I want to know, but other times I don’t…” His eyebrows drew together tensely, shading his eyes. “I don’t want to not recognize myself. I don’t want to see my own life like it belongs to a stranger.”

He could hear Zack spinning his glass around on the counter. He seemed to struggle at sitting still. “Are you worried you won’t like it? The life you had before?”

Cloud pressed his lips together.

“No…” He said honestly, after a moment of thought. “I think that would be easy. There’s no better time to start over than when your whole life is already missing in action.”

“Then what?” Zack sounded genuinely concerned. 

Cloud tapped on the counter, he could feel the heat in his eyes and tried to force it back.

“I’m scared I WILL like it,” Cloud said finally, thinking about the short memory he’d had about snow and his scarf. “But that it won’t feel like it’s mine anymore. I don’t want to find out that I lost everything great I’ve ever had.”

Zack was silent for a long time. Cloud was too nervous to look at him.Then finally...

“I think if you found the life you wanted once, you’ll find it again.” Zack said, staring into the ice in his glass. “Life is a product of our actions, after all, and you’re still the same person. You can still make the same choices, whether you know you’re making them or not.”

Cloud swallowed thickly. 

“Maybe.” He agreed, stacking the last of the glasses and tucking his rag into the pocket of his apron. “I guess I’ll just have to find out.”

___


	5. Limbo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cloud has to make a choice about what he wants out of his life.

It took about a month for Cloud’s job at the bar to go horribly wrong. 

“Hey hot stuff.” 

Cloud looked up as a clearly drunk man with a blond mullet approached the bar. He could hear snickering in the background that must have been coming from the man’s friends and Cloud felt himself scowling. 

“If I had known you were here I wouldn’t have wasted so much time on this bar crawl. I would have just crawled my way straight to you.” The man said with a wink and the snickers around them turned to outright laughter. Cloud’s eye twitched. 

“I think you’ve had too much to drink,” He told the drunkard flatly, crossing his arms. “If I can interest you in some food or water let me know. Otherwise you’re welcome to leave.”

“Aww,” The man held his heart. “Don’t be so cold to me, babe. I just want to see you all heated up”

“Not. Interested.” Cloud bit out, glaring harder than he had before. 

“But you don’t even know me yet, hottie.” Mullet extended a hand. “The name is Roche.”

Cloud scoffed-- truthfully much louder than he had meant to. “You gonna order? Otherwise leave.”

“But you already know what I want, baby.” Roche leaned over the counter toward him. “I just want you and that sharp little mouth of yours all over my cock.”

Cloud felt a vein in his forehead pop.

CRASH

“Cloud!”

He heard Tifa shout his name as she came running out of the kitchen and Cloud blinked confusedly down at the disaster before his eyes.

He hadn’t thought about doing it. His hand just moved before he could even blink. One second Roche had been reaching for him, and the next second Cloud had smashed a wine glass into his head. 

“I’m sorry,” Cloud said-- to Tifa, not to Roche. Tifa stared at him in blank shock. 

“What the hell!” Roche was saying, staggering up from the floor. There was blood in his hair. 

“What the fuck did you do, you little bitch?” said one of Roche’s friends as they all rushed to his side. 

Cloud’s heart was beating way too fast inside his chest. 

“Cloud.” Aerith was suddenly beside him, taking him gently by the arm. “You need to go upstairs.” 

“Calm down, Sir.” Tifa was saying. “I’m trained in first aid and if you need a doctor I can call you an ambulance. Just stay still.”

Cloud twisted his face away.

“Fine.”

Aerith walked Cloud up the stairs and into their small living room, sitting him down on the couch. She sat down on the coffee table opposite him and tilted her head. 

“Are you okay?”

Cloud didn’t know why that one sentence made tears hit his eyes, but he couldn’t hold them back.

“No.”

Aerith shifted herself to the couch beside him, pulling Cloud’s head down on top of her own so she could pet her fingers through his spikes. 

“That’s okay.” She told him softly, and more tears slipped down Cloud’s cheeks. 

___

The next morning there was a knock on Cloud’s door before the sun was even up, and he groaned loudly in protest. 

“What?”

His throat was still raw from crying the night before and his eyes felt hot and swollen. Tifa hadn’t even been angry at him when she had finally come upstairs, but for some reason that just made Cloud feel worse. 

He wanted someone to be angry at him. At least then he would feel like a real human being. 

“Good morning, Cloud!” came Aerith’s chipper voice as she opened his bedroom door. “Rise and shine!”

“There is no sunlight.” Cloud growled, as he turned over to see Aerith in a pale pink nightgown, with her long hair falling wildly down her back. She looked like she had just rolled out of bed, and yet her green eyes were full of life. 

“I know that, but I wanted to give you time to get ready.”

“Get ready for what?” he grouched, sitting up in bed. Sleep was only becoming more illusive by the second. He rubbed his eyes tiredly.

“Ready to go to work with me.”

Cloud paused.

“At the greenhouse?”

“Uh huh.” Aerith dropped onto his bed with a bounce. “Tifa and I thought it might be more relaxing for you to work with your hands and be around nature. Besides, you won’t have to deal with the customer so much. I can do that. You can just help me with the plants and the deliveries.”

“In other words,” Cloud corrected, “Tifa still wants to look out for me, but she doesn’t need anymore lawsuits directed at her bar.”

“No one is suing anyone,” Aerith rolled her eyes. “Tifa said that guy you dropped still asked for your number before he went home.”

That news did not make Cloud feel any better.

“Fine,” He agreed eventually, running his fingers through his hair. Mostly just because working with nature did sound surprisingly nice considering the month he’d been having so far. “Just let me take a shower.”

Aerith pinched him on the nose. “Ladies first, Cloud. Why don’t you go downstairs and make us some breakfast, okay? I’ll let you know when the bathroom is open for you.” 

With that the pixie-like brunette sprung off the bed and proceeded to prance down the hall while humming to herself-- making Cloud seriously question what he had gotten himself into.

___

Working for Aerith was not nearly as bad as Cloud was expecting. He liked the greenhouse. It was full of light and color and the air smelled earthy and fresh like it had just rained. 

There were plants inside-- where the air was kept hot and humid in a way that made Cloud’s hair friz a bit at the ends-- and outside, where the air was crisp and cool and large water features gurgled playfully in the background. 

Cloud did feel calmer here, more than he had since he woke up from his coma. There was nothing but peace, quiet, and physical labor to occupy his time, and the exertion felt good. He felt like he was actually contributing something. 

The only person who asked him questions here was Aerith, and even she left him to his own devices most of the time. Letting him tend to the plants, move around pots, and even help dig her a new sprinkler system outside. 

It was nearly sunset by the time she hunted him down and Cloud was smelling like sweat and dirt in the best possible way. 

“You seem better today,” Aerith pointed out as she helped him sweep dirt off the walkway. 

Cloud nodded quietly.

“Yeah. Thanks for letting me come here.”

Aerith hummed in response. “Can I ask you something?”

“As if you would let me stop you?” Cloud asked but his bite was mild.

Aerith continued, undeterred. “What do you want to do, Cloud?”

He paused in his sweeping. 

“What do you mean?” He asked, turning his head to look at her. Aerith just kept going with her broom.

“I mean… ever since you woke up you’ve been doing what the doctors wanted you to do, or what Tifa wanted you to do, or what I wanted you to do.” She shrugged her delicate shoulders and pushed some hair back from her face. “I guess I just wanted to know what you’ve been thinking all this time. What do you want?” 

Cloud’s hands tightened around his broom.

“I don’t know.” He admitted with a sigh, reaching up to wipe some sweat off his forehead. “I guess I don’t really trust my own instincts right now.”

Aerith’s bright eyes flitted over to him and she blinked curiously. 

“Why not? Your instincts aren’t broken, Cloud. Your heart and soul are still the same. They're still you. Even if your head isn’t fully itself right now, that doesn’t have to change who you are.” She came over to him and started scrubbing some dirt off his cheek with her thumb. “Whatever is going on inside you can’t be easy, but your life is still your life. You can’t take a backseat to it.”

Cloud looked down into her eyes, his own expression vulnerable and hurt. “What if I’m not ready? What if I’m still too sick?”

Aerith smiled wider at him. “We’re always going to be here for you, okay? I’m not saying you go running off into the middle of a war again. Stay living with us as long as you want to. Keep working here until you feel like you’re ready to take on something bigger. But don’t wait around for things to just happen to you. Seek out things that interest you and make you happy. Do things because it's what you decide for yourself. Because it’s what you want to do.” She tilted her head in an almost bird-like way. “That’s all any of us can do.”

Cloud carefully nodded his head until tears started coming to his eyes again and he pulled Aerith into a hug.

“Thank you.” He murmured gruffly into her hair and she giggled brightly. 

“Anytime.”

___

  
  


**TIFA ( 11:00 PM ) :**

**Cloud is coming to the gym with me tomorrow.**

Zack blinked tiredly at his phone, his bleary eyes trying to take in the information he was seeing. Then he was jumping out of bed. 

_**ME ( 6:01 AM ) :** _

_**What?? Where?? When?? How??** _

**TIFA ( 6:03 AM ) :**

**We’ll be at Waller Gym on the 6th in about 30 minutes.**

**Cloud decided he wants to get back to things that used to make him happy.**

**He wants to get back into fighting shape.**

**_ME ( 6:05 AM ) :_ **

**_Please let me come with you!!!_ **

**TIFA ( 6:10 AM )**

**Why do you think I’m telling you, dum dum? Hurry up and meet us there.**

Zack could feel the stupid smile that was on his face even as he tried to rub the grime of sleep off his skin and scratched at the scruff he still needed to shave. 

Cloud was starting to sound more like himself again, and Zack’s stomach was full of nervous excitement. He couldn’t wait for Cloud to have his spirit back. It’s absence had been like a dull ache that never went away. 

____

45 minutes later Zack finally made it to the gym-- after Tifa had graciously sent him directions. He and Cloud hadn’t used public gyms much before. They’d always had plenty of training and drills to keep them working and fit.

SNAP, SNAP, CRACK.

Zack head whirled sideways at the sound that struck his ears-- the sound of fists hitting something fast and hard. His heart started to slam into his sternum when he realized where it was coming from.

Cloud.

“Slow down there, Thunderstorm.” Tifa was teasing him. Her hands were covered with padded targets for Cloud to hit but she lowered them and patted them together. “Your form is holding up great, but remember that your muscles are out of practice. If you go too hard too fast you could injure yourself. So keep your stance up, and focus on steady, clean hits.” 

Cloud took a deep breath and nodded, making his bright hair bounce messily. 

“Okay, okay. I’m still ready.”

“Well, I could use some water,” Tifa dodged him casually. “Why don’t we take a five minute break and then we can come back.”

Zack shook himself out of his stupor and bounded over to them.

“Hey!”

“Hey Zack,” Tifa smiled as she picked up her water bottle and uncapped it, taking a long swallow. She was already gleaming with sweat. “Get lost?”

Zack frowned at her.

“Zack,” Cloud’s smile was blinding and Zack thought his heart might have stopped for a second at the sight of it. “It’s good that you’re here. Tifa’s been going easy on me.”

Zack laughed, “You say that like it’s a bad thing.”

Cloud pouted adorably, his cheeks flushed and some of his hair stuck sweatily to his forehead. The sight did all sorts of troubling things to Zack’s body-- that he tried steadfastly to ignore. 

“I used to be in the military just like you, right?” Cloud demanded. “I can take the real stuff.”

“You were in a hospital less than two months ago.” Zack corrected gently. “Give yourself a little time to build back up.”

Cloud scowled. 

Zack laughed, reaching out to ruffle his spikes, “Oh come on, don’t look at me like that. What if we start by going through some basic military drills? Maybe it will even jog your memory a little.”

Cloud looked like he still wanted to be mad but he finally relented. 

“Like what?”

Zack grinned and passed Cloud a water bottle. “Hydrate yourself first, then we’ll do some stretches. I’m not letting you go home today until your form is perfect.”

Cloud smirked but he brought the water to his lips for a long drink. His throat worked visibly as he swallowed and Zack tried not to get distracted. 

“I bet I’ll have it down before Tifa finishes on the weights.” Cloud said before wiping his mouth on his arm. “Just show me what to do.”

Zack’s heart pounded excitedly in his chest. 

“You got it, Soldier.”

___


	6. Experience

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cloud tries to own his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OMG everyone has been so amazingly supportive of this fic, and I really appreciate it!! You guys are so awesome. There have been so many sweet comments and I love all you guys for being so expressive and talking me through your thoughts. You guys are great. There have been questions and I am really going to try to answer them all, I just haven't gotten to it yet. I've been really excited about moving this story forward fairly quickly because I really want to reach the end without taking breaks for months. So I'm working on this whenever I have the time. I hope you guys are enjoying it, and like where it is going! Feel free to keep sharing your thoughts and feelings with me about the story and what sort of things you want to see here. I am reading every single comment and will start replying to them soon, so that I can answer questions. 
> 
> Thank you guys so much for everything! Please enjoy chapter 6 :)

It was a strange thing that started happening. Something Cloud didn’t want anyone to know about… the things he started hearing in his head…

THUMP, THUMP, THUMP, THUMP,

_ “GET YOUR ASS IN GEAR PRIVATE! YOU THINK YOUR GOING TO SURVIVE LIKE THAT? I’M GOING TO RUN YOUR ASS UNTIL YOU’RE BEGGING TO TRY THAT DRILL AGAIN!” _

THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP

_ “Is this really the best you can do? I’m not sure how you even passed your physical, but it’s making me think our standards aren’t high enough.” _

THUMPTHUMPTHUMPTHUMPTHUMPTHUMPTHUMPTHUMPTHUMPTHUMP

_ “You’re pathetic Strife! I wish you would do me the favor of dropping dead instead of giving up so much, then I wouldn’t have to keep wasting my time on you!” _

Cloud gasped for breath, the thumping of his feet against the pavement grinding to a halt as he nearly keeled over and caught himself on his knees. 

_ “You’re never going to amount to anything here. I just pray you don’t get anyone else killed along with you.” _

Cloud grit his teeth as tears started to stream down his cheeks. 

Maybe he had been better off not remembering anything after all. 

__

“So… you're remembering the ridicule of your old drill sergeants.” Sephiroth crossed one long leg over the other. “You know Cloud… drilling can be pretty harsh. Sometimes it's just a tactic to get results out of your Privates. I’m not saying I approve of that method, but it does exist.”

Cloud sat cross legged on the couch with his arms wrapped around a pillow. Sephiroth had been working to make Cloud more comfortable around his office.

“Maybe…” the blonde said, squishing the pillow against his chest. “But… something just seemed wrong about it… like I could feel them hating me.”

Sephiroth nodded slowly. “I wish I could say that isn’t a possibility.” He placed his pen down and folded his hands together.

“So…your life moved on from that point, and while I’m sure re-experiencing it inside your mind is unpleasant, why do you think it’s causing you THIS much distress?”

Cloud stared down at the floor, thinking about the question. 

“I guess I just don’t understand. I remember the military being hard at the start. I never lost those memories, but if my mind is still pulling out years of abuse even after that… Why was that my life? Why was I somewhere that seemed so ungrateful to have me?”

Electric green eyes stared back at Cloud, steady and analyzing. “What do you think?”

Cloud shook his head. “I don’t know.”

“What started these memories to be triggered? Was there something that might have stirred them up in your mind?”

Cloud frowned.

“I’ve been exercising a lot…. It was helping at first, but lately I just keep hearing them inside my head.” He dragged his fingers through his hair. “I thought I wanted my memories back but now I just want it to stop.”

The Doctor nodded slowly and lowered his hands to his lap. “Have you ever thought that your mind might be connecting to those memories for a reason? Maybe when you push yourself, your mind associates the feeling with those moments in time. It could have even been motivating for you at some point in time.”

“Maybe…” Cloud agreed slowly, “but it doesn’t make me eager to go back.”

“Had you been hoping to go back?” Silver hair fell over his shoulder as he tilted his head. “Do you want to be in the military again?”

Cloud hugged the pillow again.

“I don’t know… I just want to feel like I have a life.”

Sephiroth hummed in thought. 

“Cloud… a lot of things can give people fulfillment. If you genuinely want to go back to the military then working toward that goal is admirable, but it is not the only way to have a satisfying life.”

Cloud frowned, “But… if I don’t…” 

Zack’s face flashed inside Cloud’s mind and he didn’t know why. 

“What? Is there something you're afraid will happen?”

Cloud pressed his lips together tightly. “I guess I just don’t know who I am without that.”

“There is more to who you are than what your job is. Maybe you’re suited for the military. Maybe you aren’t. Maybe you were but you’ve changed. It’s okay if the person you find at the end of all this isn’t the same as the person who you were before. Time and experiences change things. Wanting to understand and remember your past doesn’t mean you have to relive it. It’s okay to ask yourself who you want to be right now.”

Cloud chewed his lip.

“I just want to be happy.” 

Sephiroth chuckled. “Well, that is an excellent place to start.”

___

  
  


Greenhouse, Running, Dinner, Bed. Cloud’s weekday routine had become a steady rhythm in his life. He spent his mornings working with Aerith, his evenings running alone, and his nights having dinner withTifa before she went to open the bar. It was simple, and so far Cloud found that it was a life he could handle. 

On weekends though, Cloud didn’t go to work. Instead, he spent his mornings at the gym with Tifa, and his afternoons with Zack. 

Tifa and Cloud mostly lifted weights and did Yoga. Tifa had already been doing this gym routine for years, but she said it was nice to have someone to go with her. ( Aerith also did Yoga but never at a gym. She liked to do it outside along with Taichi. )

Zack showed up around the same time Tifa left and he and Cloud would do some form of cardio or intensive training. Things like swimming, sparring, or military training. Tifa always offered to take them to her martial arts class, but Zack seemed dead set on spending his own time with Cloud, and Cloud didn’t feel like arguing. It was fun hanging out with Zack, and it was less embarrassing for him when Tifa wasn’t around. (It was one thing to catch HIMSELF staring at Zack’s abs, he didn’t need Tifa around to know about it.)

“You’re starting to fill out,” Zack told Cloud after the first couple of weeks, reaching out to feel the muscles in his arms and then patting him on the back. “You’ve really been working hard.” 

Cloud blushed up to his ears. “I feel like I can think straight when I’m moving or pushing myself. Everything gets less foggy.”

Zack gave him a gentle look. “Remembering things?” 

Cloud shook his head. “I mean… not like I expected. It’s all so scattered.” He sighed and started doing his stretches. 

Zack nodded to himself.

“I’m sure you’ll get there.” He said with a sunny smile that seemed a little strained. “Are you doing all this to return to active duty?”

Cloud tired not to tense up, carefully easing out of the stretch. 

“I don’t know. I think it’s gonna take some more time to figure out what I want.” Cloud admitted, keeping his eyes down. “I like doing all of this stuff. It just feels right to me. I’m just not sure about what I want to do with it. I still don’t remember the military much, and it scares me the way I just lose focus sometimes. I don’t want people’s lives in my hands when I can’t even trust my own head.”

“ I’m glad you’re thinking so carefully about it.” Zack wasn’t looking at him and started stretching instead. Cloud got a nervous feeling in his stomach.

“Are you going back soon?” Cloud could hear the upset in his own voice but it was too late to try and hide it. “Do they send you far away?”

Zack’s eyes widened and he turned to look at him. 

“I’m staying for a while.” He reached out to ruffle Cloud’s hair. “This leave was a big one for me. I’ve lost some friends recently… just a lot has happened. I needed some time.”

Cloud frowned in concern. “I’m sorry. That must be really hard. If you ever need to talk about it--,” 

Zack hugged him suddenly and Cloud broke off. 

“Maybe sometime.” He said softly, hugging Cloud into his chest. “For now it’s been nice to hang out with you. You're a good company to have around, Spike.”

Cloud blushed at the nickname and wrapped his arms around Zack in return. 

He smelled good… the smell reminded Cloud of something he couldn’t quite put his finger on, but it made him feel safe, even if it was mixed with sweat. He squeezed his arms tighter around him.

“You too.” Cloud told him softly. “Thanks Zack.”

___

  
  
  


In the days that followed Cloud started to pay more attention to Zack. Not that he hadn’t always been giving him extra attention-- but after realizing that someone as sunny as Zack might be hurting too, Cloud wanted to be more of a support for him.

They started texting even when Cloud was at work-- which Aerith moderately tolerated-- and sometimes Zack would go running with him at night. 

He even started coming over for dinner more often, and Cloud found that his mood started lifting bit by bit the more Zack was around. 

_**ZACK ( 5:17 PM ) :** _

_**What do you want to do tomorrow? More swimming? You DO look good in the water.** _

Cloud blushed. Zack was unrelentingly flirty. He wondered if he was always like that.

_ME ( 5:18 PM ) :_

_I’m not nearly the natural you are. It’s like you were born for swimming._

_**ZACK ( 5:20 PM ) :** _

_**I swam a lot as a kid. I grew up in a hot climate.** _

_ ME ( 5:22 PM ) : _

_ I bet you were a cute kid. Where did you grow up? _

_**ZACK ( 5:23 PM ) :** _

_**Gongaga** _

_ ME ( 5:24 PM ) : _

_ Oh cool. I’ve never been there. _

_**ZACK ( 5:25 PM ) :** _

_**That you remember.** _

_ ME ( 5:27 PM ) : _

_ Are you mocking me? _

_**ZACK ( 5:30 PM ) :** _

_**Just a little, Spike.** _

Cloud pressed his face into a pillow as he blushed. 

__

“Hey Tifa?” Cloud murmured when the two of them were cleaning up after dinner. “Can I ask you something?”

“Of course, Cloud.” Tifa smiled at him, “You know that.”

Cloud ducked his head shyly. 

“Do you think it would be a bad idea if I asked Zack out?”

Tifa turned away from him to stack some plates in a cupboard before turning back to him with a smile. 

“You like him?”

Cloud turned red. “I have fun with him. But I know he has to leave eventually… and I’m still kind of a mess. So maybe going out with someone is a bad idea.”

Tifa’s expression softened. “I think it’s a great idea, Cloud. You deserve to be happy, and I don’t want you to regret not going after something you wanted.”

Cloud’s heart thudded nervously in his chest. “Really?”

She nodded firmly. “Really.”

Cloud felt a smile tug on his lips as he turned back to the dishes. The smile didn’t fade until long after the dishes were dry. 

__

Tifa told Aerith later that night as they got ready for bed.

“Do you think I should warn, Zack?”

“No.” Aerith smirked at her. “I think you should buy popcorn.”

__

The next day Cloud asked Tifa to leave the gym a little early. She almost refused to go until Cloud actually begged her. Finally she rolled her eyes. 

“Fine, fine.” She huffed dramatically as she shouldered her bag. “Good luck today.”

“Shut up.” Cloud grumbled in a whisper before urging her out the door. 

By the time Zack arrived, Cloud was already stretching and the raven bounced up to where he was sitting on a mat. 

“Hey Spike! Good form.”

Cloud’s ears burned. 

“H-hey.” He cleared his throat and stood up. “So what did you want to do first?”

“I was still thinking about swimming. I’m just in the mood for the water.”

Cloud nodded. “Sure.” 

The entire time they were changing into swimsuits, Cloud was tense. He tried not to look at Zack too much, or he just might lose his nerve. 

Zack had head-to-toe good looks. His face was handsome and rugged, but somehow still cheerful. His body rippled with muscles that most people would kill for. Cloud was positive that Zack was deadly if he wanted to be, but his personality was so kind it was hard to remember he could actually do it. 

When they were finally changed Cloud followed Zack to the pool, but Zack must have picked up on something being up with Cloud’s mood.

“Everything all right? You’re more quiet than usual. And that’s… well it’s really saying something.” 

Cloud gave him a defiant scowl at that comment.

“Everything’s great.”

“Okayyyyy.” Zack shrugged, “I’m here if you need anything though.” With that Zack cannonballed into the pool. 

Water splashed onto Cloud’s feet and he smiled. He liked Zack’s energy. He was just so vibrant. 

Cloud lowered himself into the pool more gently. He was still not a natural born swimmer but he was good enough. He just didn’t live for the water like Zack did. 

Zack rose up and flipped his long hair back, chuckling and running his fingers through it. Cloud got distracted thinking about how it would look if he pulled it back. 

“Spike? You’re zoning out again. Is it your head?”

Cloud swallowed thickly.

“Not… not really.”

Zack stepped closer and placed his fingers under Cloud’s chin to make the blonde look up at him. His eyes looked so much brighter in the sunlight, and his skin just thrived in the golden glow. 

“Cloud?” He tilted his head. “What’s going on?”

Cloud’s heart squeezed painfully and then took off at a sprint.

“Zack…” Cloud’s voice was tight with nerves but he couldn’t stop the words once they started tumbling out. “Would you date me?”

Zack froze shock-still.

He blinked. “Cloud… are you asking me out or just asking for an opinion?”

Cloud made a face, wishing he could kick himself. “I’m asking you out.”

Zack suddenly seemed filled with a weirdly jittery energy. 

“I…” He fluttered his hand around like he wanted to gesture at something. “I mean…” he shook his head as if to clear it. “Of course, Cloud! Are you kidding? Of course!”

Cloud tilted his head. “You didn’t sound so sure at first.”

“You surprised me!” Zack splashed him in the face. “I thought something was wrong!”

Cloud felt a swell of something bubbly rise up inside of him and burse out in the form of giggling, all of the tension in his body slipping away.

“So your answer is yes?”

“Yes!” Zack beamed at him. “It’s a yes. But I’m planning the date.”

Cloud frowned. “Why? I can plan a date.”

“Trust me.” Zack reached out to try and smooth Cloud’s wet hair. 

Cloud rolled his eyes but didn’t push the issue any further, enjoying the feel of Zack’s touch.

“When then?” 

“Next weekend.” Zack promised, smiling. “Stop glaring at me. It’s going to be great.”

Cloud shoved water at him as pay back, even as his heart stuttered off beat in his chest. 

___

**TIFA ( 9:34 PM )**

**So… how are you feeling about the date? Cloud was being shy when he got home and wouldn’t talk about it.**

_**ZACK ( 9:40 PM )** _

_**You totally knew he was going to do it, didn’t you?** _

**TIFA ( 9:43 PM )**

**Of course.**

_**ZACK ( 9:45 PM )** _

_**Thanks for the warning, pal.** _

**TIFA ( 9:50 PM )**

**You’re welcome. So?**

…

… 

_**ZACK ( 10:00 PM )** _

_**I’m really excited** _

_**I still want him to remember me** _

_**But in the meantime…** _

_**I just want to be with Cloud.** _

**TIFA ( 10:08 PM )**

**I know you do.**

**It’s going to be okay Zack. I really believe that.**

**Cloud loves you with more than his head, you know?**

**His heart still remembers you.**

_**ZACK ( 10:25 PM )** _

_***:ﾟ*｡⋆ฺ(*´◡`)** _

___


	7. Dizzy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cloud and Zack start their date.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Sorry this chapter is a little shorter. I already have the next chapter planned in my brain and what comes next is too long for me to want to lump it all in to this chapter. This was the best stopping point I had because its kind of the down turn before things start going up again. SO DON'T WORRY. Next chapter will be longer. Thank you for all of the support you guys! I hope you enjoy this!

“I want to wear a turtleneck.”

“You always wear turtlenecks Cloud. It’s time to show some fucking collarbone.”

Cloud scowled. 

“Why are you two dressing me anyway?” Cloud asked as Tifa fussed with the spikes in his hair. Nothing about them was changing, which is something Tifa should be familiar with by now. 

“Because!” Aerith shouted from Cloud’s bedroom where she was rummaging through his closet. “I’ve known Zack since highschool, so I’m the resident expert on his tastes.”

“And I remember more of your life than you do at the moment, so I’m the resident expert on you.” Tifa added and Cloud elbowed her. 

“Low blow, Lockhart.”

Tifa giggled. 

Cloud looked at himself in the mirror, glad he had talked Tifa out of putting makeup on him. She did make him moisturize and use chapstick. She said it would bring out his freckles and make his lips soft which made him smack her on the shoulder. 

He hadn’t even decided if he would kiss Zack tonight. He didn’t need Tifa putting ideas in his head. 

Once Tifa had given up on doing anything more elaborate with Cloud’s hair, she pushed him toward his bedroom-- which Aerith had completely destroyed-- to get dressed. Aerith started holding shirts up to his chest. 

“Which brings out his eyes?”

Cloud huffed loudly. 

Zack had already seen him sweaty and in gym shorts. What was the point in dressing up now?

They finally got him dressed in a navy blue sweater with a low scoop neck, tight black jeans, and motorcycle boots. It did make his eyes look bluer and his hair look brighter. His freckles did look more obvious, dusted across his pale cheeks and nose. 

“Are you excited?” Tifa asked. Cloud looked away from her with a blush.

“Just have fun!” Aerith encouraged. “It’s Zack, remember? You’ve hung out with him already, so just enjoy the moment.”

Cloud heard the sound of Zack’s pick-up outside the window, and turned his head. His heart was hammering inside his chest.

The girls took his hands, giving him littles squeezes of encouragement as they urged him downstairs. Cloud stopped to take a deep breath and the girls both smiled at him, waving before he opened the door and stepped outside.

Cloud’s breathing got stuck in his chest when he saw Zack.

Zack was beautiful. He always had been, but it was different seeing him like this. His wild hair was pushed back and his eyes were brighter than the autumn sky behind him. His loose blue jeans hung low on his hips when he stepped down from his truck. His white v-neck stretched over the broadness of him, even beneath the black leather of his jacket. 

Cloud realized he was staring, and snapped his attention back to Zack’s smile. The two of them stepped toward each other, almost as if they were drawn by magnets. 

“Cloud!” Zack's voice wrapped affectionately around his name. “You look amazing.”

Cloud blushed and pushed breath through his teeth as he rubbed his neck. “Not next to you.”

“Bullshit.” Zack replied and the soft look that came into his eyes made Cloud’s heart hurt more that seemed appropriate for a first date. 

Why did he feel like he wanted to cry all of the sudden? Like this moment was a wave of nostalgia? What was wrong with him?

Cloud looked at Zack shyly through his lashes and gave him a crooked smile. “So what’s this big date you insisted on planning?”

Zack grinned, “What would be the fun in just telling you?”

Cloud gave him an annoyed look before lightly kicking his shin. “Tease.” 

“Hardly,” Zack scoffed, “I’m easy as they come.”

Cloud rolled his eyes and shoved Zack’s shoulder when he laughed. 

“Fucking dork.” he scolded but Zack caught his hand with his dangerously sharp reflexes and pulled it in close to kiss his palm.

“I’m really happy we’re doing this.” Zack told him sincerely, the emotion showing in his eyes. “Thank you for asking me.”

Cloud swallowed against a suddenly tight throat and pushed his body against Zack's, so they both swayed. “I’m happy too.” He looked into Zack’s eyes. “Thanks for saying yes.”

Zack looked back at him and there was so much in his eyes that Cloud couldn’t understand. Like he was holding himself back. 

“I always will.” Zack said, and Cloud wondered how he could possibly promise that, but Zack was already opening the car door for him.

“I’m not a girl.” Cloud complained but hoisted himself into the truck. Zack laughed easily.

“It’s the modern age, Cloudy. I can give chivalry to whoever I want.”

“So you’re my 21st century knight, then?” Cloud asked, leaning through the open window. “In your rusty yellow steed?” 

Zack leaned on the car and crowded himself into Cloud’s personal space until their breaths swirled together and Cloud could taste him on his tongue. He was sure he was blushing.

“If you want,” Zack said. “I would rescue you from a dragon.”

Cloud smirked and shoved him away. “I can fight my own dragons.”

“I know you can,” said Zack. “But maybe we can do it together.”

Cloud hummed playfully. “Only if we fight your dragons too.”

Zack had come around the car at this point and settled in his seat beside Cloud. His neck was oddly tight-looking, to Cloud’s eyes, like he was trying to hold back his response. 

“That’s what I like about you, Cloud.” Zack said, his voice oddly strained as he turned the key and his car roared to life. Cloud felt his smile slip away as he tried to read Zack’s face. 

Why did he feel like he was missing something?

___

*Meanwhile on the other side of a window*

AERITH: Poor Cloud. Look at that patented Zack Fair flirting. It’s like watching a pro play the rookies’ league.

TIFA: Oh come on, Cloud can flirt.

AERITH: Did he just kick Zack in the shin?

TIFA: Exactly my point.

AERITH: Oh my gods, Cloud just smiled! Alert the fucking media!

TIFA: Good boy, Cloud. Pulling out the big guns.

AERITH: I don’t want to still be around if Zack pulls out--

TIFA: Stop right there! There are some things I don’t need to think about. 

AERITH: I could take your mind off it.

TIFA: And you were giving Zack crap for his flirting?

AERITH: Who do you think I learned it from?

___

“An arcade?” Cloud asked as they entered the building full of sound and flashing lights. 

Zack grinned, “I used to be the classic romantic setting kind of guy, but I realized dates are more fun when they fit the style of relationship you have.”

“And we strike you as a video game couple?” Cloud teased, a smile warming his face. 

Zack just laughed and bumped his shoulder before guiding him over to the counter and paying for their tokens. Cloud opened his mouth to protest but Zack hushed him.

“Cloud, it’s okay. I can pay for stuff. You don’t have to burn your man card over it.”

Cloud grumbled but let the matter go for now. He wasn’t making a lot of money right now, but that didn’t make it okay to mooch off his friends even more than he already was. 

Once they had their tokens Zack nudged Cloud again.

“Anything drawing your eye?” 

Cloud looked at Zack, blushed, and then moved his eyes to the rest of the room. He spotted a game on the other side that made his eyes light up.

Zack laughed, “Motorcycle racing. Of course.”

“Of course?” Cloud asked, raising his eyebrow.

“Tifa mentioned you fix motorcycles.” Zack said, suddenly seeming in a hurry to usher Cloud across the floor. “Looks like a good pick! You ready?” 

Cloud blinked curiously at him but hopped on one of the plastic bikes while Zack put their tokens in. The game started and Cloud looked through the game maps before finally selecting a city-style one. Zack toggled through the challenges until he found one labeled “Team Race.”

“Afraid I’ll kick your ass?” Cloud asked, from his lounging position along the bike. 

Zack turned and his eyes dragged up and down the length of Cloud’s body before he regained his concentration. Cloud noticed and his pulse spiked. 

“It’s a date, Cloud,” Zack said, giving him a smile that melted Cloud’s insides like butter. “So we’re a team.”

Cloud blushed all the way down his neck and turned back to the game.

His heart was getting way too much of a workout tonight.

The first game was a little rocky. It took a second round to hit their stride. Then they started talking about topping the leaderboard.

It was Cloud who shot their progress in the foot, though not intentionally. There was something about leaning back and forth on the motorcycle while watching streets flying by that got in Cloud’s head. 

_ Black streets… the wind whipping through his hair… he could feel it so clearly. _

_ There was someone against his back, their arms wrapped around his middle. He could feel them breathing on his neck whenever they weren’t leaning back and WOOPing into the open air. He was driving so fast, but he felt safe. He trusted himself, and whoever he was with. He was happy.  _

“Cloud?” 

He blinked his eyes and looked around. He couldn’t remember where he was for a second. He didn’t recognize anything. His breathing wasn’t even. He kind of felt dizzy and like he wanted to throw up.

“Huh?” Cloud turned his head. Zack was leaning over him, his hand on his shoulder. 

“Are you okay?” He asked. “You stopped playing in the middle. You didn’t even notice when I paused.”

Cloud stared at him blankly.

“Playing what?” 

Zack’s face went a little pale. “Cloud… do you need to--,”

Before Zack could finish, everything started to come back, causing Cloud to close his eyes tiredly against the head rush. 

Of course. The game. The date. He remembered. 

“No, no, I’m okay. Sorry. I get kind of foggy sometimes.” Cloud sat back and rolled his shoulders. “Can we start a new round?” 

Zack stared at him a moment longer before nodding and getting back on his bike.

Cloud tried extra hard to focus on the next round and wipe that concern off Zack’s face. He didn’t like seeing it. He was fine.

That round they hit the leaderboard top five

They played more games-- ball tosses, joy-stick games-- but it was the shooters that fucked with Cloud’s head the most. 

Memories flashed through his mind. Shooting a rifle. Hitting targets, hitting people. Even Zack’s voice beside him only made the memories thicker, especially when Zack got into that all-business-soldier tone that he had. 

Cloud started to feel dizzy but tried to hide it. He didn’t want Zack to worry again. He could handle it. 

By the end of the game Cloud felt like he was barely tethered to the present moment by a fragile string. His mind was awash with scattered disconnected moments. Some good, some bad, some Cloud didn’t want to even think about for another second-- and he couldn’t get them to go away.

When Zack reached out to touch him Cloud almost hit him with the plastic gun but came back to himself a moment before his muscles could move. Still, he felt himself jump in surprise. 

“Cloud?” Zack looked worried again. “Are you sure you’re doing all right?”

Cloud shook his head to clear it and then slumped into Zack’s chest. 

“Can we take a break for a while?” he mumbled against the other man’s shirt. He felt Zack’s large hands come up to rub comfortingly between his shoulder blades. 

“Do you feel hungry?” Zack asked and Cloud nodded against him.

“Okay, good.” Zack squeezed him. “Let’s go. I know just the place.”

___


	8. Shock

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The date takes a turn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M BACK. So yeah I took a detour from this fic to write You Again (another Clack fic) and am now finally back. This chapter is a bit longer, as promised, but it's also is a lot different than I originally planned because I got some new inspiration. I hope you guys like it! But prepare for some angst because... yeah that's what you're getting. Don't worry too much though. I'm not heartless. Let me know what you think!

“Oh,” Cloud said when he looked at the burger joint in front of him. “I love this place.”

Zack stumbled out of the car and nearly fell before he caught himself. “You do?” 

Cloud nodded. “Yeah. Well… I don’t remember if I’ve been here recently… it’s just this feeling. I felt happy when I saw it.” he shrugged. “I guess that’s a little weird.”

“No… that’s great. I’m glad you’re comfortable here.”

Cloud smiled at him. 

Inside, the two of them ordered and then sat down at a booth while they waited for their food. Cloud picked one back in a corner because it looked cozy to him, and it was round so they could sit next to each other. Zack paused when he saw him sitting there.

Cloud tilted his head at him. “You good?”

Zack nodded. “Yeah. I’m great.” He sat down and shrugged off his jacket. 

Two instincts hit Cloud. One: to steal the jacket, and two: to curl himself into the muscled heat of Zack body through his t-shirt. He could almost feel Zack around him even before he did it. 

Cloud tried to catch his breath and focus.

He failed.

“Can I borrow your jacket?”

Zack looked at him. “ _ You’re  _ cold?”

Why did he say it like that? Because Cloud was wearing a sweater? He wasn’t sure. Cloud  _ did  _ rarely get cold, but how would Zack know that?

“Not really…” He admitted. “I just…” He struggled for an excuse for his strange behavior. “It’s a date right?”

A flimsy excuse, but Zack smiled at him so warm it took Cloud’s breath away.

He handed over the leather jacket and Cloud pulled it around him. It was incredibly warm-- Zack must feel like a furnace-- and it smelled like him. The smell calmed Cloud’s heartbeat like it was a drug. Like the smell of home wrapped up in a person.

Zack scooted closer to him. “So… how are you doing?”

Cloud looked up at him and then scowled. 

“This is date talk?” Cloud complained. “‘How broken is your head today?’”

Zack’s expression softened. “Only  _ you _ see it like that. Isn’t concern for someone date-worthy?” He brushed some of Cloud’s hair away from his face. “The arcade was affecting you… I’m just curious.”

Cloud sighed and bounced his leg under the table. He huddled further into the jacket. 

Burgers were dropped off at the table and Cloud ducked away from the cashier’s eyes. He felt too open right now, even if nothing about his vulnerability was visible to anyone.

When they were alone again Cloud took a deep breath. Zack hadn’t even moved to touch the food. 

“I’ve been remembering things.” Cloud admitted. “But it’s nothing like I thought it would be. It’s nothing concrete. Just flashes of moments. I… I haven’t been telling anyone except Sephiroth. I'm scared it will get everyone’s hopes up even though it’s nothing useful.” Cloud’s frustration built up in his voice. “Nothing about people or… I don’t know.” He ran a hand through his hair.

Zack gave Cloud half a smile. “But you are remembering. So maybe this is just the start, right?”

Cloud nodded. “It’s just that I feel disoriented when it happens, and sometimes it feels like it keeps me from connecting to  _ right now _ . It’s hard.”

Zack found Cloud’s hand in the too-long jacket sleeve and squeezed it. “I’m so sorry Cloud. But you know, it’s okay to admit it’s hard and that you need a minute. Like tonight, that was brave.”

“Brave?” Cloud snorted a little. “Sure.”’

“It is! I can tell you don’t like talking about it, or letting people help you. But you did.”

Cloud smiled. “Trying to kiss my ass? That desperate to get lucky?”

Zack rolled his eyes. “Just for that, I’m not giving you _ any _ tonight.”

Cloud laughed. He reached for his food and started eating his fries. The taste was familiar.

“Thanks Zack. For all of this. You’re really great.” Cloud looked at him shyly. “I’m lucky to have met you during all of this. You make it easier.”

Zack smiled but looked down, not letting Cloud see his reaction in his eyes.

Cloud wondered about it, but not enough to ask.

“So why the arcade?” Cloud pulled his arms out of the sleeves of the jacket to use his hands. He kept it draped around his shoulders while he cut his burger and started to eat.

Zack hummed and then swallowed. He had dug into his food without hesitation. 

“To be honest, I go there a lot when I’m on leave. It helps. When you’re in the military for a long time you develop traits that are hard when you’re back home. Restlessness, the urge to be moving, boredom with quiet. Or at least that’s how it is for me. Exercise helps, and video games, and sports. They keep my mind and body busy.” He shrugged. 

Cloud nodded. He liked getting to know more about Zack.

“How long have you been in the military?” He asked and started eating while he waited for Zack to answer.

“Seven years. I enlisted when I was 18.”

“So did I.” Cloud recalled, pleased by having something in common. “When I got out of the hospital I found out that I’m 23. But I’m missing around 4 years of memories. Maybe a little more.”

Zack nodded. “That’s a long time. I’m so sorry.”

Cloud pulled the jacket tighter around his shoulders. “Thanks.”

The restaurant was fairly empty, Cloud noticed. They had arrived a bit late after so long at the arcade. So it caught his attention when the bell at the door indicated another person had walked in.

He couldn’t see the counter from where they were sitting, since they were so far in the back. So at first he didn’t think much of it. That is, until he could hear someone’s voice.

“Hold still or I’ll shoot.”

Cloud’s eyes widened. 

“Empty the cash drawer into this bag. Slowly. If you touch anything else, I’ll shoot you.”

Cloud’s heart started to pound.

Zack was suddenly dragging Cloud under the table as quietly as possible. They hadn’t been seen yet. Better to keep the element of surprise. 

Cloud tried to take a deep breath.

He couldn’t let this happen. He knew Zack could help, but he didn’t like that either. He wanted Zack safe and he seemed distracted worrying about  _ him _ . 

Cloud noticed the holster on Zack’s belt.

He grabbed for the gun. 

Zack nearly grabbed his arm but Cloud stopped him and held a finger to his lips. He begged Zack with his eyes. The dark-haired man stilled. There was trust in his face. Trust Cloud had counted on being there, though he didn’t know why. 

He slowly eased out from under the table but stayed low-- hidden behind other booths built into the center of the room. He carefully peered one eye around one of them so he could see the cashier emptying the cash drawer into a bag.

“Where’s the safe?” Said the man in a ski mask that was standing beside the cashier with a gun pointed at him. The cashier was pale and shaking.

“T-t-the back. In the manager's office. He’s in there…”

“Show me.”

The cashier kept his hands up as he moved toward a hallway behind them. Cloud braced himself against the wall and aimed the gun.

Cloud shot the weapon out of the gunman’s hand, sending it flying and making the gunman shout in surprise. 

“Next one goes through your head if you move.” Cloud warned, revealing himself from behind the wall. The gunman froze.

The Cashier was shaking harder. 

“Zack?” Cloud called out.

“On their way,” Zack called back, guessing what Cloud would ask before he asked it. 

Cloud kept his eyes steady on his target. He was shocked at how clear he was, how focused. More than he had been since he woke up from his coma. 

“Will you restrain him?” Cloud asked and Zack was there, but instead… he punched the guy so hard he crumpled unconscious to the ground. 

“That’s for ruining my date.” Zack said and turned to the cashier. “You got zip-ties?”

The cashier trembled, wide-eyed, and then nodded. This was followed by him starting to cry. 

They tied up the gunman’s arms and legs while he was knocked out-- with Cloud covering Zack the whole time in case the guy woke up. Shortly after that the cops showed up. They took the cashier in an ambulance and the manager that had been hiding in the office finally came out and was taken to make a statement. 

The gunman was taken in an ambulance with a police presence, and some more officers stayed behind to interview Cloud and Zack. 

“Very brave.” One of them told Cloud. 

Cloud just shrugged. 

Once it was all over, Zack came to Cloud’s side and wrapped the jacket back around him. 

“Are you okay?” 

Cloud looked at him. 

“I feel fine?” Cloud blinked. “I’ve seen worse, Zack. You’re acting like we’re back in Modeoheim.”

Zack froze.

“What?” His eyes were wide, but almost hopeful. “What did you just say?”

Cloud stared at him.

“I said…” flashes of memories surged through his mind. Fires, gunshots, explosions. All of it on a snowy mountain. 

Zack was there. Holding out his hand for Cloud.

_ “You okay, Private?”  _

Cloud held still. “I…”

Cloud’s mind raced. Why was...? It didn’t make… he started to wobble, his knees feeling soft. His head started to pound.

Zack was holding him up.

Cloud looked at him.

“What did you mean?” Zack’s eyes searched Cloud’s. “About Modeoheim?”

Cloud stared up at him blankly. 

_ “Spike…” Zack’s voice in his ear, the heat of his body against him. “Gods you’re gorgeous.”  _

“Cloud? Hey…”

_ “Hey, when this is over, can I buy you dinner?” _

Zack’s hands on his face. 

_ Zack pulled him into a kiss, his heat against Cloud’s mouth, dragging him closer.  _

Zack shook his shoulder. 

“Cloud!” 

Cloud snapped back to attention, his eyes blinking and then flicking back to Zack’s face. They were filled with tears.

“Who are you?” Cloud asked, his voice hoarse. Memories warred in his head. 

How he met Zack… two memories flared in his mind. Their first date… another clash of images. Moments falling on top of eachother, out of order, not connecting. Cloud’s body swayed.

“Cloud,” Zack moved to hold him up and Cloud shoved at him.

“WHO ARE YOU?” he demanded, the tears streaming down his face. “Who are you? Who??” he started to claw and kick. “Who are you?!”

Zack tried to restrain him. 

“Cloud, please! Breath, look at me!”

Cloud started to sob, thrashing around in Zack’s arms.

“I hate this! I hate this, make it stop, make it stop, please!” Cloud begged, his voice broken and hiccuping sobs. “Please!”

Zack held him tightly. At some point he started to cry.

“I’m sorry, Cloud. I’m so so sorry.” He struggled to hold Cloud still. “I’m so sorry.”

Cloud started to hyperventilate, his crying turning into a panic attack the more upset he got, until the next thing he knew he was so dizzy that he couldn’t keep himself standing. 

The world spun around him and then everything turned black. 

___

  
  


Cloud ended up back in the hospital, laying in his stiff bed. 

Sephiroth sat in a chair beside him.

“How are you feeling?”

Cloud stared at the ceiling. 

“I don’t know.”

Sephiroth waited patiently. 

Cloud never said anything more.

“There’s someone who wants to see you.”

Cloud looked at Sephiroth.

“How long have you known about him?’

Seph folded his hands together. 

“He’s the one who requested my help.”

Cloud nodded. “Let him come see me.”

Seph stood and moved to the door. He stepped out. A few moments later… the door opened again.

Cloud shifted his eyes to see Zack. 

He was still wearing his clothes from the restaurant. Hadn’t even gone home from the looks of him. He appeared tired and worn. 

“Hey.” He looked at Cloud like it was a relief. Cloud nodded to the chair beside the bed and Zack approached, sitting down with a sigh.

“I’m sor--,” He started to say but Cloud shook his head.

“I don’t want to do all of that.” 

Zack searched his face. “I never meant to hurt you.”

Cloud took a deep breath and looked back up at the ceiling. 

“So I knew you before,” he said, ignoring everything else. “I sort of remember. I met you during a deployment to Modeoheim. It was pretty rough. You asked me to dinner after that. We were dating.” Cloud looked at him. Waited for any objection. There was none.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Cloud asked finally. 

Zack shrugged. “Everyone said it would be too much for you. They said I just had to stay away from you until you were ready. I tried at first, but… I couldn’t do it.” He looked at Cloud with clear blue eyes like summer. “I missed you. I couldn’t keep staying away. You’d already been in a coma for over a year.”

Cloud nodded slowly.

“I’m not really mad at you for that.” Cloud told him honestly. “I would hope someone who cared about me wouldn’t just leave me.”

Zack looked hopeful.

Cloud closed his eyes. 

“It’s just…” he sighed. “I… was happy when I thought… that you were separate from all of this.” Cloud looked back into Zack’s eyes, his own pleading for understanding. “Like if I never remembered everything… I would still have one person who wanted me. Who didn’t care if it all never came back.”

Zack’s eyes widened and he leaned back, his body hitting the back of the chair liked he’d been shoved into it. 

“Oh…”

Cloud brows drew together. 

“I’m sorry…” He whispered. “I shouldn’t have told you that.”

Zack shook his head and leaned forward again, dragging the chair closer to the bed. His hands wrapped around one of Cloud’s.

“No, Cloud. It’s okay.” He reached out to cradle Cloud’s cheek. “I understand, but you need to know.” He held him firmly so he could look into his eyes. “I don’t care if we start over. I don’t care if I have to win you back one-hundred times, or one-thousand, or one-million. I’m not going anywhere, okay? I just want you.”

Tears ran down Cloud’s cheeks. “The Cloud you knew…”

“No!” Zack stood up, kicking the chair away and holding Cloud’s face in both of his hands. “No, Cloud. There’s not a difference. It’s you. I’ve been with you long enough since the accident, I’m not making this shit up.” His expression was desperate. “You’re the same. In every way that matters. I’m not clinging to my memories. I know it’s you.”

Cloud sobbed and his whole body trembled.

“I’m so tired, Zack.” He whimpered, looking into his eyes. “I hate all of this. I hate it.”

Zack softened all over. “Cloud…” He pulled him close, hugging him into his shoulder. “I wish I could make it stop. If I could take this from you… I would. If it could have been me instead…”

Cloud hit him hard in the back. “I don’t wish that! Stop it.” he snapped. “Stop!”

Zack held him tighter but didn’t apologize. 

Cloud breathed a few trembling, broken breaths. 

“I want to know everything.” He said roughly. “I’ve tried to hide from it, but it’s not making it easier. I need to know.”

Zack breathed a heavy sigh and leaned back. He retrieved the chair and sat down again.

“It’s a lot Cloud, all at once. Four years…”

Cloud huffed in exhaustion. “Fine. Then just answer my questions.”

Zack considered it. “Okay.”

Cloud nodded.

“You’re on leave?” He asked, searching Zack's face. “To be here with me?”

Zack slowly nodded. “To be with you.”

Another deep breath. “You weren’t there at the accident, right? You’re not hurt.”

“We weren’t deployed together at the time.” Zack explained. “I regret it all the time. Maybe if I’d been there…“

“So you could be hurt too?” Cloud shook his head. “Next one: What was our relationship like? Was it serious?”

Zack stared back at Cloud, like the answer to this was hard. 

“We were living together.” Zack said finally. “When we weren’t deployed. The apartment I’m staying in now was for us.”

Cloud felt that wash over him.

“I don’t expect you to just start feeling that way again, Cloud.” Zack hurried to reassure him. “Not to that extent, not right away. I was happy you wanted me around, and I was happy when you felt enough to ask me out. I never wanted to rush things.” 

Cloud ran a hand through his hair. 

“It’s just… a lot.” Cloud shook his head slowly. “But I’m okay.” He sat there, thinking for a moment. “Do you want me to move back in?”

Zack’s eyes widened.

“Cloud…” He let out his name on a breath. “What do you expect me to say? I miss you like crazy. Getting to be with you more would mean everything to me, but that doesn’t make it the right thing. If you need more time that doesn’t change anything for me. I’m still going to be here.”

Cloud watched him, his eyes searching Zack as if he could somehow read between his words. He seemed to be telling the truth. Not bitter, not pushing him away. Just scared. Scared of losing him again. Scared  _ Cloud _ will push _ him _ away.

“Then…” Cloud considered, “Are we dating right now? I mean that was the idea of the date, right?”

Zack looked strained. “It's up to you.”

Cloud frowned. “Don’t  _ you _ want anything?”

“Yes!” Zack burst out suddenly. “I want to know that you’re safe. I want you to be  _ happy _ . I want to get to stay with you, and not have you send me away. I want a lot of things!” Zack’s voice was almost manic with pain and exhaustion. “But I don’t know how to do that! I don’t know what to do.” He slumped back, running both hands through his hair. “Shit…”

Cloud’s expression softened, his heart squeezing in his chest. 

Zack’s pain and frustration was a mirror to his own, and it felt good somehow. It felt like being understood, for once. Like maybe he wasn’t really alone in this.

“I don’t want to send you away.” Cloud said softly, waiting until Zack processed the words and looked up at him. Cloud smiled a little at him. 

Zack reached for Cloud’s hand. He pulled it to his lips to kiss it. 

Cloud’s chest ached.

“Maybe I can sleep over?” Cloud suggested, carefully, his mind working it over. “Try it once… and see how it goes?”

Zack eyebrows raised in surprise. “Are you sure?”

Cloud nodded, and he wiggled his fingers until he could twine them around Zack’s. 

“I told you. I’m starting to remember.” He said, looking at Zack firmly. “But even if I wasn’t… I felt happy being with you.”

Zack finally smiled. 

“When you’re out of here, then.” Zack said, reaching up to brush his knuckles over Cloud’s cheek. “You can come home.”

____


	9. Stay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cloud goes home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys for all of the comments on this story--and my other one-- so far!! You guys are so great and it's been wonderful to hear what you've been thinking as the story has developed. I'm really glad you guys have been liking it and I really hope you like this chapter too. Thank you all so much!!

“Don’t forget to take your medicine. Do you have Sephiroth’s number with you in case you need it?” Tifa was asking as Cloud lumbered down the stairs with a duffle bag on one arm. 

When he reached the bottom, he turned around and pulled Tifa into a hug.

“I have the medicine and all the right numbers. I’ll text you all night long if you want. I’m okay. I promise.”

Tifa had been extra protective since Cloud had gotten out of the hospital. He thought she might have blamed herself for letting him move too fast, and he wanted to get rid of that sort of thinking. Even if he hated being babied. 

Tifa squeezed him tightly. “Both of you go easy on eachother.”

Cloud chuckled. He kissed Tifa on the hair before he pulled away and turned to Aerith. She smiled and pulled him into a hug too, kissing him on the cheek and letting him do the same to her.

“I’ll be back tomorrow night.” Cloud said and Aerith hummed.

“I don’t know, Cloudy. You said that last time, and then you two bought an apartment together.”

Cloud smiled and nudged her shoulder.

That didn’t sound so bad really… if things just worked out overnight. Cloud wasn’t usually that fortunate though. 

There was a knock on the door and Cloud turned to open it. 

Zack was there. Cleaned up but also casual in loose jeans and a t-shirt. He smiled at Cloud and the blonde could see the hope in his eyes. It made him nervous. What if he didn’t remember anything? He didn’t want to see that hope go out…

“Ready?” Zack asked and Cloud smiled at him, even if it was tepid. 

“I’m ready.” He waved to the girls one more time. “I’ll talk to you tonight.” He promised again and the girls nodded and waved.

“Good luck!”

___

  
  
  


Cloud watched closely as Zack pulled into their apartment building. It was modern and sleek, with dark metal and shimmering glass. Nothing like Tifa’s place, but it was beautiful.

Cloud looked at it with heavy scrutiny. Like he could force memories out of it, if he tired. Zack watched him and started to laugh.

“You don’t have to push so hard, Spike. It’s okay. Even if we just sit on the couch, watch dumb movies, and nothing comes back to you… I’m just really glad to have you with me.”

Cloud looked over at him with soft eyes.

Zack’s patience almost hurt. He was so willing to make Cloud comfortable, no matter what it must be doing to him. Zack had said how much he  _ missed _ him. Cloud wanted to bring himself back… just so he could give himself to Zack. Just to try and make him happy.

“Cloud…” Zack pulled into a parking space in the garage. “Don’t look like that. Nothing’s missing, okay? I told you.” Zack turned off the car and reached to touch Cloud’s cheek. “You’re already here. Memories or not.  _ You  _ are my Cloud. Right now. Already. Okay? You’re you. You’re the person I want.”

Cloud kind of wanted to cry at that, pressing harder into Zack’s hand on his cheek. 

He  _ wanted _ to be enough… He just didn’t want that to mean that Zack was settling.

Zack leaned across the car to press his lips to Cloud’s forehead.

“You are so stubborn sometimes.” Zack sighed. “You don’t have to carry all this on your own, you know. I actually like it when you need my help, and when you talk to me about what’s going on inside that spikey head of yours.”

Cloud smiled a little, lopsided but real. “I was thinking about how I didn’t want you to have to settle for me like this. Just because you don’t know if I’ll ever remember everything.”

Zack looked at him, stunned. 

“I’m not  _ settling  _ for anything.” He grabbed Cloud by either side of his face. “I’m in love with you, Cloud. You. This you. The stubborn blond right here in this car. I’m crazy about this guy, okay? Will you stop being so damn hard on yourself?”

Cloud’s entire face bloomed pink.

_ Love…  _

It wasn’t exactly like Cloud didn’t suspect Zack loved him. Their relationship seemed that serious, especially with living together, but… he hadn’t ever actually said it to him before. Not that he remembered. 

Cloud was unexpectedly grateful Zack’s truck had a bench seat.

“Mmph,” Zack grunted when Cloud pushed into his space and crashed their lips together. He seemed at a loss about what to do at first, but then his hands settled on Cloud’s waist and he pulled him closer. 

“Cloud…” Zack sounded wrecked even though they had only barely been kissing for a minute. He pushed Cloud down against seats and bent over him, dragging and tugging their lips against each other like he was trying to swallow him. 

Cloud moaned into his mouth, pushing his fingers into Zack’s hair. He was mildly concerned that he was about to be fucked in a car, but he couldn’t bring himself to protest. 

Then Zack pulled away. “Okay, okay… shit, fuck, I…” He looked down at Cloud, who had to look rumpled by now-- not to mention blushing. 

“This is all so fucking backwards,” Zack sighed, sitting back. “We have a whole apartment upstairs, and… did that just count as your first kiss?”

Cloud snorted. “No. I dated Tifa for a while.”

“You remember that?”

Cloud frowned at him. “Yes.”

Zack sighed heavily. “Okay. Was that  _ our _ first kiss?”

Cloud shook his head. “I don’t think so. I remembered you kissing me… one of the times we were outside and it was cold. Another time I think we were…” Cloud thought back.

“Did you kiss me in the middle of a warzone?” He accused Zack. 

Zack shrugged. “You were  _ not _ complaining.”

Cloud rolled his eyes, but Zack was right. He hadn’t been complaining in the slightest. 

“ _ That  _ was our first kiss.” Zack told him. “You nearly died on me-- you little fucker, I wish you would stop doing that-- but when you made your way back and I saw that you were okay… I just couldn’t help it.”

Cloud felt warmth pool in his chest.

“I remember being really surprised… but it also made me happy. I hadn’t realized you honestly liked me before that.”

“That’s because you’re blind and stupid when it comes to yourself.” Zack grumbled. “I had literally asked you out  _ three times _ before that. You were so dense.”

Cloud kicked him, “That’s rude.”

“Three times, Cloud!”

Cloud kicked him again and got out of the truck.

That was when he nearly stumbled into a sleek black motorcycle. 

His eyes widened. 

“He’s yours.” Zack told him as he followed him out. “Fenrir.”

Cloud sucked in a breath before reaching out and stroking his hand over the seat. 

“I remember riding once… you were with me.”

“Not too surprising. We went riding a lot.” Zack smiled at him. “He’s still yours so…”

Cloud smiled back at him. “We should go together. Later though. I want to see where we live.” he took Zack’s hand, twining their fingers together. “Lead the way?”

Zack pulled Cloud’s hand to his lips and kissed his knuckles. Cloud reached out and grabbed his arm, holding him in place.

He looked at Zack shyly through his lashes before stepping into his space and closing the distance again, lazily molding their lips together. 

It was slower this time, soft. It made Cloud's heart melt into a puddle inside his chest. 

When they pulled away, the look in Zack’s eyes made Cloud ache. It was so warm. 

“Home?” Cloud asked.

Zack shook his head. “Hasn’t felt that way without you.” 

“Then it’s good I’m back.” He squeezed Zack’s hand.

___

  
  


Upstairs, Zack unlocked the door and Cloud walked into the apartment that was supposed to be his home. 

It wasn’t very large, but the wide windows made it feel light and open-- shining cloudy autumn light through the living-room/kitchen area that was spread out before him.

There was a black couch in front of a large TV that had gaming systems stacked underneath it. Some Cloud recognized as being his own. The kitchen was full of glass cupboards, a shiny silver fridge, and a round, black table in the center. 

On the other side of the apartment were two doors, and Cloud ventured toward them. One of them led to a two-person sized bathroom and the other one led to the place Cloud had been looking for. The bedroom. 

The room was fairly spacious. One whole wall was windows and another held the bed: big but simple. A deep blue quilt covered it and there were blue sheets on the pillows. Cloud wondered if Zack shared his favorite color or if he had done it just for him. 

Cloud went to the closet. 

He’d had an assumption, and he was right. He had stuff here. Cloud could tell what was too small for Zack and even saw an army duffle with his name on it shoved onto a shelf at the top.

He lived here. Or at least he  _ had. _

Zack came up behind him.

“You okay?”

Cloud nodded.

“No memories yet.”

“Cloud…” Zack touched his arm. “This is a lot  _ without _ the memories. Are you really okay?”

Cloud turned back to him.

Tears filled his eyes.

“I… I don’t know.” His lip trembled. “I uh… I don’t know.”

Zack pulled him into his chest. “I’m so sorry you have to go through all of this.”

Cloud closed his eyes and hot tears rushed down his cheeks. He wrapped his arms tightly around Zack and buried his face in his shoulder. 

“I don’t know why I’m sad.” he whispered. 

“You’re just feeling a lot. It’s okay.” Zack hugged him tighter. “Is it too much?”

Cloud shook his head. 

“I want to stay.”

Zack nodded. “Do you want to watch a movie?”

Cloud shook his head again.

“Can I make you dinner?” 

Zack paused. “What?”

Cloud shrugged. “I haven’t cooked in a while. I guess it just feels like something homey.”

Zack chuckled. “Homey huh? Well okay… I’ve missed your cooking, but don’t push yourself too much. I want you to relax.”

Cloud squeezed him one more time.

___

Zack was thrilled with Cloud offering to cook, just as Cloud predicted. He tried to hide it, but Cloud could tell. The way he watched him, and kept interrupting up but hugging him from behind… it was pretty obvious. 

Cloud was smiling every time Zack’s arms went around his waist and he kissed his cheek. It really  _ was _ starting to feel like home. Maybe this wasn’t going to be so hard after all…

Cloud decided to make stir-fry with chicken and vegetables. Something simple. Besides… he thought Zack liked it. He wasn’t sure if it was a memory or just an assumption… but he thought he would. 

When Cloud was finished, he spooned it onto plates and Zack helped him set the table. It was oddly quiet as the two of them sat down, but it wasn’t uncomfortable. It was just sort of… weighty. 

Cloud watched Zack as he started to eat. He was crying. Cloud wasn’t sure if he should point it out or not.

“Is it good?”

“Perfect.” Zack’s smile was watery. “It just… it’s been a long time.”

Cloud reached over to hold his hand. “I’m here. I’m staying.”

Zack held Cloud’s hand so tight it was almost painful.

“I should never have let you walk away from me that day.”

Cloud’s eyes widened. “What?”

Zack bent his head forward, one hand going to his hair. “We were leaving on our different deployments. I shouldn’t have let you go. We had been talking about un-enlisting soon… we hated not seeing each other for months at a time, and missing our friends. We shouldn’t have put it off… We should have just come home.”

Cloud blinked. “We were going to quit?”

Zack nodded. “I haven’t wanted to go back since what happened. I don’t think I can. I only still loved it because of when I got to be with you.”.

“Zack…” Cloud pulled closer and wrapped his arms around him. “You don’t have to go back…” 

“We need the insurance now.” Zack sighed. “We’re still supported by them while we’re both off active duty but if we leave…”

Cloud hugged him tighter. “We’ll figure it out. There are other jobs…”

Zack moved to throw his arms around him, nearly crushing Cloud into him. “I should have made you stay home with me. I’m so so sorry, Cloud.”

Cloud hugged him back, stroking his hair. “You didn’t know…”

“But there’s always the risk! I knew that. You’ve nearly been hurt  _ tons _ of times. What was I thinking?”

Cloud nuzzled against his hair. “Stop, Zack. It’s too late now. Just be here with me.”

Zack rocked Cloud’s body back and forth.

“I nearly lost you.”

“I know.”

“I don’t know what I would have done if I had.”

“But you didn’t.” Cloud kissed his hair. “You didn’t. I’m here.”

“I know.” 

Zack just held him for a long time. 

It took a while before Cloud could talk him into finishing dinner. Then the two of them curled up on the couch to watch TV.

Zack  _ still  _ held him. Like Cloud might be a dream. Like if he let go, he might just disappear. 

Cloud tried to touch him as much as possible. To remind him that he was solid, that he was here. He wasn’t sure if it was working, but Zack looked happier when he did it, leaning in to his touches. 

Once it got later Cloud tugged on Zack’s sleeve. “Bed.”

Zack chuckled. “I’m not that tired.”

“Yes you are. Besides, you can hold me in bed, can’t you?”

Zack looked at him from over Cloud’s shoulder, where he was resting his chin. “You sure?”

Cloud nodded. “I want to.”

The two of them went into the bedroom to get ready for bed.

Cloud found PJ’s in his size in the dresser-- even though he had brought some-- and put them on. He went into the bathroom to wash his face and brush his teeth, and he found himself sniffing all the soaps and shampoos. 

They smelled familiar-- Like Zack. Like home-- and he cried silently. The tears rolled down his cheeks until he could calm them and he washed his face again. 

Once he was done, he padded back into the bedroom to find Zack sitting up in the bed. He was waiting for Cloud, watching him. He wore his chest bare, but Cloud didn’t. Cloud didn’t like looking at his own scars. Zack had some too… but those ones didn’t scare him. 

Cloud climbed into bed and looked at Zack in the lamp light. Zack looked down at him and brushed his fingers through his hair. 

Cloud shifter closer. “Kiss goodnight?”

Zack smiled. “That’s all a little new for you, isn’t it?”

Cloud moved closer again.  _ “Zack.  _ I’m your boyfriend. Right?”

Zack chuckled softly and moved toward him. He cradled Cloud’s head and pulled him into a kiss. It was slow. Easy. A low burning flame. 

Cloud held on tightly to him, like his life depended on it. 

They kissed for a while, even laying down to kiss lazily in bed and in the dark. It didn’t go further than that, though. Not yet. Still, it was nice to connect. To touch. To feel each other’s lips. 

It felt safe and warm. 

Once they were too tired to keep their eyes open, Cloud shifted to lay against Zack’s shoulder and wrapped his arm around his waist.

“Thanks for bringing me home, Zack.” He whispered into the darkness.

He could hear Zack’s heartbeat falter under his ear.

Zack’s arms tightened around him, and they fell asleep. 


End file.
